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UNM to be renamed University of New America

Lauren Lifke | April 2

Officials announced last week the renaming of the former “University of New Mexico” following executive actions. It will now be called the University of New America, and anybody who calls it by the old name will be punished immediately. In lieu of the “Lobos,” UNA will also have a new mascot: the Wolves — because President Donald Trump threatened the school’s federal funding if it “did not respect the official language of the United States,” he said at a press conference last week. “Everyone’s a Wolf. Woof, woof, woof,” students chanted halfheartedly at last night’s basketball game.

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A society collapsed: PATS gives up on ticketing

Addison Fulton | March 31

University of New Mexico Parking and Transportation Services recently announced that it will entirely give up on handing out parking citations, ushering in a new era of vehicular chaos unprecedented in modern society. Patrick Patterson, director of PATS, said the organization has been officially “wrecked.” “PATS has always been a proud and definitely fair organization. We kept the peace. We maintained order. Now, we’ve fallen apart due to internal pressures and public mockery. So you win, you animals. We give up,” Patterson said. “You’re all on your own now. Let’s see if you like the world you wake up in when you wake up without a citation on your window.”

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UNM to deliver LoboAlerts Paul Revere-style

Lauren Lifke and Lily Alexander | March 31

The University of New Mexico announced it would switch its LoboAlert method to echo historical figure Paul Revere after students complained about delayed notifications of campus crime. Now, in the event of anything from arson to feathered hat theft, students will hear calls of “RUN, HIDE, FIGHT” and the clomping of horse feet across campus. In a statement to the Daily Lobo, UNM Police Department spokesperson Robert Newman wrote that the department hopes the new system will help students protect themselves — and stop complaining. “It was clear that we needed a change,” Newman wrote. “And who better to inspire us than Paul Revere, arguably the most effective messenger in history?

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Duck exodus at UNM begins as Stokes surrenders to divine feathered wrath

Nate Bernard | March 31

After weeks of campus chaos brought about by divine poultry intervention, University of New Mexico President Garnett Stokes reversed her decision on the ducks’ exile to UNM Championship Golf Course. The ducks will soon return to the Duck Pond on main campus. Quackses, the former personal duck of Stokes, has emerged as a leader among the duck resistance. In protest of the new policy, Quackses waddled to Stokes’ desk outside Scholes Hall and presented his demands, which Stokes swiftly rejected. “Let my ducklings go” Quackses quacked to Stokes.

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UNM takes neutral stance on its investment in toilet-removal companies

Leila Chapa and Paloma Chapa | March 31

A disclosure of the University of New Mexico’s investments reveals that it holds shares in three companies directly involved in forcibly removing toilets from buildings, leaving bathrooms with nothing but an exposed sewage pipe on the floor. Some holes have not been properly covered, leaving a sewage gas smell in bathrooms. The companies, which are responsible for removing and destroying millions of toilets from buildings worldwide, include Flushed 04, Sludge and Tefflawn Toilet. According to the companies’ websites, toilet vanishing is indiscriminate, and “any property can be next.” As of publication, the university has not had any reports of missing toilets.

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Who is cherry and silver and under the sea? The Lobo football team!

Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh | March 31

The University of New Mexico football team could be shipped to play in Bikini Bottom if the Lobos suffer another losing season, according to a whistleblower in the University’s Athletics Department. After a lackluster finish last season, the Lobos are under pressure to deliver a winning record or face a total rebrand. Anonymous sources within the department say officials are in “preliminary talks” with the underwater city to negotiate a team relocation deal should the program flounder again.

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Ducks vs. turtles: Duck Pond renovations spark $42 billion gentrification feud

Marcela Johnson | March 31

As life should be returning to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond, a drained concrete tub sits lifeless. The Daily Lobo has uncovered a secret document that details renovations at the Duck Pond that will create duck suburbia — a project that is more than $42 billion over budget. “First we deal with swan gentrification, and now this,” Shelly Tortuga, one of the lead Duck Pond turtles who helped stop the 2023 swan gentrification, said. Tortuga feels that the ducks have turned on their neighbors, she said. Before the renovations began, the ducks would tip the turtle logs as they slept, Tortuga said.

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LoboAlert system becomes too responsive

Elliott Wood | March 31

Following complaints of delayed and missing campus emergency alerts, the latest cadence of LoboAlerts sent by the University of New Mexico Police Department has students rolling — though depending on who you ask, that could be either the disapproving kind or the laughing kind. “I mean, come on: ‘RUN, HIDE, FIGHT: Jessica Simmons just walked into the SUB and her new Spring outfit is KILLING IT’?” UNM student Cheese Louise said, reciting an email he received last week when the weather began to heat up and students began to dress down.

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Culture editor wins Daily Lobo Fight Night Championship

Addison Fulton | March 31

Prize-fighter and Daily Lobo culture editor Addison Fulton recently claimed another victory in the Daily Lobo office’s weekly fight. The student paper hosts a Fight Night each week to build community and foster a sense of shared trauma, which every newsroom needs. The winner of the fight receives a commemorative belt and extra designated space in the newspaper for their articles. The fights have only one rule: The last one standing gets to decide what goes on the front page. The fights started at the end of last semester, when Fulton beat sports editor Rodney Prunty in the first-ever Fight Night, establishing a tradition that is expected to last centuries. The inspiration came from Fulton’s claim that hitting a baseball isn’t that hard, to which Prunty took offense. This started a feud between the two, prompting Fulton to initiate the first attack.

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Redefining excellence: UNM Athletics boasts record-high GPA of 0.02

Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh | March 31

The University of New Mexico’s student-athletes have redefined what it means to excel by earning a historically high average GPA of 0.02 for the fall 2024 semester. In what some are calling “academic innovation” and others are calling “a cry for help,” the UNM Athletics Department now holds the distinction of having the highest team GPA in school history — and possibly the country. When asked about the stunning figure, UNM Athletics Director Joe Sport declined to comment. A spokesperson later clarified he was “still processing the math.”

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UNMPD to expand ‘Small Arms Division’ following T. rex stampede

Maria Fernandez | March 31

The University of New Mexico Police Department announced during a press conference last week that its Small Arms Division, which was implemented last year, will expand to include a wider variety of animals that have itty bitty appendages and excellent hunting capabilities. The new phase of expansion will bring in kangaroos, foxes and platypi to replace the Tyrannosaurus rex portion of the Small Arms Division, known as SAD. The replacement follows last year’s T. rex stampede on campus when Kappa Alpha Omegatron’s offer of free belly rubs to the dinosaurs. The T. rexes began an all-out sprint to the fraternity, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

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UNM establishes Department of Gaslighting Studies

Shin Thant Hlaing | March 31

The University of New Mexico recently unveiled a Department of Gaslighting as an extension of the film department. “Gaslighting is a soft skill that allows learners to reshape the realities of those around them,” you literally said two weeks ago. “We offer courses that allow students to malignly influence behavior and decision-making, and adjust the strength of an actor’s convictions.” It will also allow more students to double-major, given that students may already have high levels of proficiency in gaslighting studies, according to department director Aimarid Yorre-Maum.

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Southwest Film Center to show YOUR nightmares, with director commentary

Addison Fulton | March 31

During the month of April, the University of New Mexico Southwest Film Center will publicly screen the nightmarish scenes you see in your mind every time you close your eyes. The screenings will be accompanied by a Q&A session with the director — an unnamed white man with a salt-and-pepper beard, an ill-fitting blazer and bright orange suede shoes. Starting with a classic, the SWFC is currently airing that nightmare you had as a child where all of your teeth fell out. It started with just one tooth in the morning, standing in front of the mirror getting ready for school. You were almost proud; you could see a quarter in your future. But then they kept dropping. One fell to the floor when you twisted the door handle. Another in the car. More, on the playground. One on the timed multiplication test you knew you were failing.

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Daily Lobo accepts eggs in exchange for positive news coverage

Dannely Verduzco | March 31

At the Daily Lobo, we encourage the community at the University of New Mexico to donate valuable assets — including eggs and more eggs! In exchange for positive coverage, students and faculty members can bring us eggs. One egg equals one marvelous quote in a Daily Lobo article, subject to change depending on the price of eggs at transaction. Eck Carton, a freshman at the University of New Mexico, said the arrangement has worked out in his favor. “I’ve exchanged about 10 dozen eggs so far. I think the quotes are helping me reach stardom,” Carton said. “They should rename the Daily Lobo to the Daily Eck.”

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‘RUN, HIDE, FIGHT’: UNM investigates mysterious surge in pie theft

Jaden McKelvey-Francis | March 31

A recent spike in reported pie theft on the University of New Mexico campus has led the UNM Police Department to launch an investigation. UNMPD stated that it has received 71 total reports of grand theft à la mode. Pies of all varieties are mysteriously vanishing after being left unattended. One student reported a pie disappearing directly out of their own hands. Lemmy Meringue, a student who has had multiple pies stolen out of her dorm room kitchen, told the Daily Lobo about her experience.

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Lobos win first-ever chain-smoking championship

Jaden McKelvey-Francis | March 31

Last week, the University of New Mexico Lobos took home first place overall at the first-ever collegiate chain-smoking competition. The competition included events such as the fastest smoker to finish one, five or 10 cigarettes. Endurance-focused events included the most cigarettes finished in five, 10 and 15 minutes. The school that performed the best in all the events was awarded first place. Marl Boro, the star smoker for the Lobos, managed to win first place in both 10- and 15-minute events. She managed to smoke 217 and 302 cigarettes in 10 and 15 minutes, respectively.

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Hitting a baseball isn't that hard, study shows

Maria Fernandez and Elizabeth Bolke | March 31

A recent study co-published by the Base Mcball Institute and the University of New Mexico has found that anyone can hit a baseball, and it really isn’t that hard. The mechanics of the sport require hand-eye coordination, aim and correct form to send a baseball flying, according to the study. But if that’s true, why can’t everyone do it? If a person can’t hit a baseball, it’s probably because they aren’t trying hard enough, according to experts. The study quickly went viral on social media and has garnered various responses, ranging from players defending the sport and their own abilities to those who believe the study is completely accurate.

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Lobo Louie and Lobo Lucy: Siblings or dating?

Karina Bolaños and Lily Alexander | April 2

A question has long plagued University of New Mexico students and they have been left in the dark to wonder: are beloved mascots Lobo Louie and Lobo Lucy siblings or dating? Two Daily Lobo editors teamed up to get to the bottom of the mystery, calling upon multiple eyewitnesses and combing through historical documents. Despite the University’s insistence that Louie and Lucy are siblings, mounting evidence points to their romantic involvement. Photographic evidence from a decade ago caught Louie and Lucy kissing in the Student Union Building. Witness of the kiss, Faye Kerr speculated it marked the beginning of their relationship.

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New bus driver Ms. Frizzle put on leave due to horrifying adventure

Nate Bernard | April 1

If you’re cruising on down University, relaxing and feeling good, you might have been lucky enough to spot the University of New Mexico’s newest shuttle bus driver, Valerie Frizzle, known locally as Ms. Frizzle. Frizzle, although just recently hired, has also been put on temporary leave due to misconduct related to “adventuring.” Her employment at UNM has been questioned in less than a week since her hiring on Tuesday, March 26. Frizzle is a former elementary school science teacher who was searching for a career change. When the opportunity arose, she decided to begin driving shuttle buses for UNM, Frizzle said.

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UNMPD announces ‘Small Arms Division’: New animal task force comprised of T. rexes

Maria Fernandez | April 1

The University of New Mexico Police Department announced at a press conference on Wednesday, March 27 that they will expand the animal police force to include a pack of Tyrannosaurus rexes. T. rexes are known for their speed, agility and smarts. Their inherent sense for sniffing out blood will be utilized on the job. It will also be expanded to detect various paraphernalia and explosives, UNMPD Chief Ian Winterhalder said. The dinosaurs are capable of running at an impressive 12 miles per hour, faster than 90% of the current police force, according to UNMPD’s website.