The University of New Mexico football team could be shipped to play in Bikini Bottom if the Lobos suffer another losing season, according to a whistleblower in the University’s Athletics Department.
After a lackluster finish last season, the Lobos are under pressure to deliver a winning record or face a total rebrand.
Anonymous sources within the department say officials are in “preliminary talks” with the underwater city to negotiate a team relocation deal should the program flounder again.
The move is reportedly part of a radical image overhaul for a team “no longer taken seriously on land.”
“Talks are going well,” said Sal Monella, the official spokesfish and director of Deep-sea Sports Relations. “I’m confident that if the Lobos don’t perform this upcoming season, the team will enjoy Bikini Bottom.”
Mr. Fish, Bikini Bottom’s news anchor, broke the news after speaking with Head Coach Jerry Quinoa over an afternoon broadcast last month.
“BREAKING NEWS: If the Lobos don’t perform this season, they’ll find a new home in the Bikini atoll,” Fish said on the air. “With Squillium Fancyson III as their potential head coach, things could turn around for the Lobos.”
If the NCAA signs off on the move, UNM would become the first college football team to play all of its games underwater as part of the new Cross-species League, with home games hosted at the Jellyfish Fields — the same venue that famously hosted The Bikini Bottom Super Band at the Bubble Bowl in 2001.
Fancyson III was quick to comment about the city's love for football during a press conference at Jellyfish Fields last week.
“We have promise in our own backyards and kelpfields,” Fancyson III said. “I recently signed Larry the Lobster as an offensive lineman and Man Ray as tight end. I plan on stacking the roster and anticipating Lobo players to be with us next spring.”
Coach Quinoa faces pressure to keep the team afloat as fans and staff brace for either a redemption arc or a plunge into the deep end.
Spring practice begins April 1. Flippers aren’t required — yet.
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Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh is a freelance reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at sports@dailylobocom or on X @kubiakizabella
