Hear ye, hear ye! Our noble queen, Garnett Stokes, proclaims the entry of the University of New Mexico into jousting tournaments following a dire prophecy uncovered by the wizards. These tournaments shall commence upon the eve of the blood moon, where challengers from neighboring universities and local warlords shall vie for glory.
Whilst the tournaments shall primarily revolve around the noble sport of jousting, there shall also be contests of poem recitation and the drawing forth of the legendary sword, Excalibur, Stokes declared.
The victors of these contests shall be bestowed with scrolls detailing fantastical quests, wherein the true reward lies in the friends they made along the way, Stokes declared.
Yet, the decision of Stokes hath stirred conflict amongst the wizards, however their ancient adversary, Sardruk the man-eating dragon, doth express favor towards this proclamation.
"I’m really not a bad guy. 'Tis heartening to witness mankind pursue their happiness," Sardruk declared.
Despite Sardruk not being a bad guy, they did lay waste to UNM's prior endeavor, the excavation of the dungeon of business majors. The wizards pray that the tournament grounds shall be fashioned from sturdier materials than straw and wood, as per the decree of their headmaster, Draco.
UNM’s entry into competitive sports excludes notable entries such as gymnastics and men’s soccer for an actual sport that involves skill – jousting. Jousting tournaments will increase Stoke’s shillings used for warring against rival New Mexico State University, per Stokes.
Yet, the prophecy of the wizards foretells of a formidable player from the New Mexico State University, Albus by name, who shall unite the realm – a prophecy that troubles Stokes. Nevertheless, she avows that an army of ghouls, funded by the tournament's proceeds, shall suffice to thwart Albus' ambitions.
As for the orphaned blacksmith, Albus, who hath recently discovered his powers, declined to comment on the ghoul army coming hath way.
In her decree, Stokes hath appointed Arthur of Camelot as the head coach of the jousting team, a decision that spurred Knight Jaelen House to pledge allegiance to UNM's jousting cause alongside Sir Lancelot.
Former coach and Lord Danny Gonzales hath raised an army to usurp Stokes, proclaiming, "It is unjust that Stokes would overlook me in spoiling yet another sports season for UNM."
The ranks of the poem team are filled with sirens who bewitch sailors to their doom and the cunning wolf who assumed the guise of Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother. As for the Excalibur-pulling team, their composition remains undisclosed.
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The tournament grounds shall be erected upon Johnson Field, boasting stables, a jousting arena and a tavern haunted by an ancient specter. The funds for this endeavor shall be drawn from the pockets of the English department, amounting to 20,000 shillings, per official plans.
The diversion of funds from the study of English shall not cause strife within the University for, as Stokes declares, "English majors should already possess mastery of their tongue."
Nate Bernard is a beat reporter with the Daily Lobo. He can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @DailyLobo
