SHAC opens retirement center to accommodate wait times

The average age of students on campus is increasing to 190, meanwhile, Student Health and Counseling wait times are increasing as well.

To accommodate the wait, SHAC opened retirement centers last Friday for students and has allegedly started an experimental drug trial in hopes of finding an anti-aging property.

The issue began on April 3, 2023 when four students all entered the waiting room at the same time for sprained ankles. Maria Barker, an injured student, said all hell broke loose when a box of a thousand unidentifiable tablet-sized medications fell off a shelf.

“As soon as the pills fell, we knew we would be in for the long haul. Everything was put on pause as the staff scrambled to pick up the meds one by one,” Barker said.

As the hours ticked by, Barker said more and more students began to file in with sprained ankles.

Word quickly got out that these pills allegedly had some type of anti-aging component. This led to a surplus of sprained ankles, according to an anonymous alum.

Approximately 200 students suffered from sprained ankles that day, according to documents from SHAC’s archive. Nancy Radar, the Director of SHAC, said the timing of the medication spill coinciding with these injuries led to a wait time of 15+ years.

“I cannot confirm nor deny whether the fallen medication was anti-aging or not, but once word of what they might be got out, it only added to the wait times as we had students getting back in line to counteract the time lost in line,” Radar said.

As this rumor continued to spread, wait times skyrocketed to 50+ years, according to Radar.

In a bold move to counteract public protest of these wait times, Radar and their team have decided to implement retirement facilities to “appease the public,” she said.

The retirement facilities are to be constructed where Johnson Field once stood, due to its proximity to SHAC, as it will allow the aging population to be nearby when their number is called, Radar said.

Rupert Vincit first joined the line due to the original ankle incident, and said the retirement facilities are actually just a renovated Johnson Gym.

“When I was 70, the retirement facility might have been a nice touch. At that point, I still had hope, but at my age, I am just ready to graduate,” Vincit said.

For students in line at SHAC, graduation was pushed out of the picture. Days passed by as students checked the large deli counter-style number display to see if their number had finally been called, Vincit said.

“Since I was one of the original four, my number was called after 10 years – after all the medication was finally picked up. For others, they might not even receive their diploma in the same decade – maybe even century – they started school,” Barker said.

The retirement facilities are to be equipped with an Olympic-sized pool and rates starting at 2,000 dollars a month. SHAC has stated in a press release that insurance would not be accepted to stay at the facility.

Students who were given the rumored anti-aging medication were forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement and are on a medical trial, according to documents acquired through a public records request.

“We only want to have the finest amenities available for our students. The proximity to SHAC is also useful as we have had a bizarre recent increase in students coming in with extra eyes, ears and fingers, claiming side effects,” Radar said.

Maddie Pukite is the editor-in-chief at the Daily Lobo. They can be contacted at editorinchief@dailylobo.com on Twitter @maddogpukite

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