The phrase “red flags” refers to warning signs that occur in interpersonal relationships before it is overtly clear that the relationship is toxic, dangerous or abusive.
According to Psychology Today, red flags can be extremely subtle but some might be more obvious. Either way, red flags can be the first indicators that any interpersonal relationship — and not just romantic ones — could become emotionally, physically or sexually abusive.
Most people have experienced red flags during their lifetime, even if they don’t realize it.When they are noticed, they might only be visible to the person on the receiving end and not the people around them outside of the relationship.
Although research focuses on heterosexual domestic abuse perpentrated by the male, anyone can be an abuser and anyone can be the victim; regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. However, research shows that the overwhelming person perpetrating domestic abuse or violence is the male in the relationship (when examining heterosexual relationships) and the woman is the victim.
According to the New Mexico Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NMCADV,) in the United States alone, one woman is assaulted or beaten every nine seconds. One in five teenage girls or young woman has experienced a break up where violence or self-harm was threatened.
“Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined,” NMCADV statistics report.
Ignoring red flags may result in serious consequences, from gaslighting to isolation and possibly even worse fates such as rape or death. According to NMCADV statistics, at least three women are murdered by their boyfriends or husbands on average each day.
It can be easy to assume that red flags “aren’t that serious” or will pass because the relationship has at one point been loving or still is. The assumption that the perpetrator (partner, spouse, family member or friend) cares is part of why people often stay in relationships in the hope that things will get better.
Following is a list of red flags to be aware of within interpersonal relationships:
Lack of Communication and Dishonesty
This type of individual avoids answering questions or opening up about themselves and remains closed off during the times when honest meaningful communication is needed the most. The pattern of shutting down and ignoring someone during a disagreement or important conversation is called stonewalling. If stonewalling, the pattern of dishonesty and avoidance comes up, this individual might become defensive and manipulative. They might shift blame to their partner by accusing them of being clingy, overdramatic or rude; this can effectively invalidate their partner’s concerns or emotions.
Controlling behavior
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Someone who is attempting to control their partner might constantly ask where they are, who they are with and what they are doing — and, if they don’t like the answers, will become agitated or angry. This individual might demand their partner stop hanging out with their friends. They may justify this demand by claiming it’s for their partner’s health, safety or well being. They may also accuse the people they want out of the picture of being toxic or dangerous. Controlling behavior can go beyond this and impact what their partner can wear, deeming certain clothes too revealing (or the opposite) unflattering. Controlling partners will almost always justify pressure and rules by claiming the issue is not about them but about someone else.
Never taking responsibility or apologizing for actions and words
Some individuals will never take responsibility when something goes wrong or when a challenge arises. They will always have an excuse for their actions even when these choices are detrimental to others, according to Psychology Today people will only apologize when they feel the relationship is more important than being correct. If a conflict appears their partner has to do the emotional labor. In fact, someone who does not offer to shoulder the responsibility or reach a compromise expects the other person to do all the emotional labor.
Not introducing their partners to family and friends
At first, this might not seem like a big issue, however someone who refuses to introduce their significant other to their family often act as if they are ashamed of their partner or are lying about their family. Of course, there is always a reasonable wait time to meet family in friends but it never happens — that is a big red flag. It could also mean they are not interested in being with their partner long term and the relationship is for temporary fun.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is defined as “a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality,” according to an article by Psychology Today. Although this may seem like it would not work well, it does when trust is abused subtly. When this happens it is easy for this to become a frequent form of abuse. Gaslighting is often a part of other red flags, such as when a partner lies, manipulates and refuses to communicate. Gaslighting often involves projection of emotions, attempting to turn friends and family against said person, attacking what they hold dear. This tactic often makes the victim question their state of mind.
For anyone who feels like they may be in an abusive relationship, Albuquerque offers the Domestic Violence Resource Center and ABQ Counseling Services. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1−800−799−7233, which can also be reached at https://www.thehotline.org/.
Megan Holmen is the news editor at the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at news@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @megan_holmen
