@JoshuaDolin
The Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures and requires a warrant supported by probable cause for searches and seizures.
But what about searches in relationships? Searching for evidence of old girlfriends, searching through Facebook accounts, or the most popular — searching through our boyfriend’s phones.
“I have a confession to make.”
It’s one sentence none of us want to hear our boyfriend say. Our heart stops, our stomach aches and we start sweating before they are even finish saying the confession.
And it’s the sentence Alice’s boyfriend said to her last week.
No, her boyfriend did not actually cheat on her, but he did something that I think we have all been guilty of in relationships. We do it when they are in the shower, when they are asleep, or when they have left the room. He went through her phone.
“Well we were Downtown last weekend and I left my phone at the table to go to the bathroom,” Alice said. “And I guess Michael (her old fling) texted me, so Bill opened the message and read my entire conversation with him.”
“How long were you in the bathroom?” Ashley said. “What were you doing that gave him so much time to read it?”
It turns out that Bill read her entire texting conversation with Michael, and then deleted Michael from her contacts. Because Alice did not care about Michael, and was not expecting a text from him, she never knew or noticed until Bill confessed.
“But who hasn’t checked their boyfriend’s phone before?” I asked Ashley and Alice over bagels at Einstein’s.
Ashley and I both admitted that we have been suspicious and let the worry get the better of us before.
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“I feel like you have to check at least once just to see if you can trust them or not,” Ashley said. “Like when I dated Jack, I checked his phone and he was texting his ex-girlfriends so I knew I had to end the relationship. But when I dated Nathan and checked his phone I saw that he only texted his mom and me, so I knew there was nothing to worry about.”
I have also gone through my ex-boyfriend’s phone before. And the question is: why? For all of us modern “Nancy Drews” out there, what are we hoping to find? That they are cheating on us? That’s bad.
That they are not cheating on us? Then it’s bad that we can’t trust someone who loves us. This is a lose/lose situation, yet we still do it.
And it becomes addictive. It took over one of my previous relationships and I was forced to end the relationship before I went crazy.
When I went through my ex-boyfriend’s phone I saw that he was calling and texting other guys. I had solved the mystery — I was not good enough to keep him interested. He needed other attention to be satisfied. Sure, he didn’t have sex with anyone, but in our technology-filled dating world, sending a text can be the new equivalent for cheating.
“And then the worst part is that you know they aren’t being faithful to you, but you can’t say anything because you were unfaithful in discovering this information!” I said.
Why can’t we all just text our boyfriend or girlfriend, and only them? Why must we digitally cheat on them with text messages, Snapchats, or Instagram “likes” to other people?
“The problem is that every guy is always friends with one slut,” Ashley said. “They always have that one friend who you know just wants to get in your boyfriend’s pants, and you have to constantly be on the lookout.”
But in Alice’s case, her boyfriend confessed what he had done and apologized, so Alice forgave him.
“I feel like Bill had reasonable cause to search your phone,” Ashley said. “I mean, you got a text from another guy, and you are supposed to only be texting your boyfriend.”
Is there now a search procedure for our boyfriends’ technology? Do we need to get a warrant before we can look through their phones?
And then there is the next question — maybe they are emotionally cheating on us. But if we don’t trust them and we feel the need to search their phones, are we the ones with the problem?
I decided that this was a topic that needed to be discussed over pumpkin beers, so Collette and I went to Kelly’s last weekend.
“I honestly never looked through my ex-boyfriend’s phone,” she said. “It is a complete violation of trust and I just decided that if I needed to go through his phone, I probably shouldn’t be with him in the first place.”
Collette has set a good example for all of us to follow, because most of the time our significant other is probably not digitally cheating on us.
In fact, most of the time that I would check my ex-boyfriend’s phone there would be nothing bad and then I would feel guilty.
Maggie also agreed with Collette.
“I think I would be the ultimate catch for guys because I don’t give a shit. They can text whoever they want. Guys are allowed to have other friends and not everyone is a threat,” she said.
So are Ashley and I the crazy ones for feeling the need to check our boyfriends’ technology? Are we already “Desperate Housewives”? Is it because these guys really are cheaters, or is it because we have low self-confidence?
It’s like an episode of Law and Order: SVU, only this time, who is the special victim? Maybe they are cheating on us, but we are violating their trust as well.
Aurora believes it is a clear violation of trust, which is why she would never do it. “That is disgusting,” she said. “I have never looked through anyone’s phone, but I’m also single. Maybe things are different in relationships.”
“They are all liars,” Ashley said. “Anyone who says that they have never gone through a guy’s phone or Facebook is totally lying.”
Guys check their girlfriends’ technology as well. Just imagine when there were no cell phones or Facebooks for us to check. How did people know when they were being cheated on?
When the Fourth Amendment was added to the Constitution, it was meant to protect people from unlawful searches by the police and government authorities, but I don’t think people ever expected they would need protection for their text messages.
And if we know that our significant other checks our phone, why do people still digitally cheat?
Will there ever been an end to it? And who is the bad guy in this situation?
If you never check your boyfriend’s phone, good for you. But ask yourself this — have you ever wanted to? Have you ever wondered who else he texts or sends pictures to?
And if you have checked your boyfriend’s phone, ask yourself this — was there anything suspicious? If there was, how do you tell him that you know?
Once we marry someone, will we feel comfortable enough to stop checking their technology? Or will we always feel the need to search through phones during our #SearchForLove?
Current Relationship Statuses:
Josh: Searching for love in the Halloween candy isle
Ashley: Searching for her own
Christian Grey
Alice: Searching for a new passcode to her phone
Collette: Searching for a good bottle of Pinot Noir
Aurora: Searching for her 180 on the LSAT
Maggie: Searching for a new Netflix show
Facebook.com/RelationshipStatusUNM
#RelationshipStatus, #DesperateDreamer
