@JoshuaDolin
When we were younger, we used to always have sleepovers with friends. Our parents ordered pizza, we watched Disney movies, and attempted to stay awake all night but eventually crashed by 10:30 p.m. Sleepovers have gotten significantly more fun now that we are older, but why are they so much harder to get?
“Josh, you need to cut him off before you get hurt,” Ashley told me during one of our sleepovers together.
She was talking about my recent friends-with-benefits relationship with Phillip that had started to experience its first problem: I actually liked him. However, it turns out that feeling special or loved is not one of the benefits of that friendship.
Phillip and I went to the movies a few nights earlier. I knew he had a boyfriend, but as he said, they were “monogamish,” and it was one of the best dates I had ever been on. We talked, laughed and he was able to carry intelligent conversations.
After the movie we had coffee and went on a walk before I invited him to come back to my house. We had a lot in common, but I knew this friendship could be more serious when I found out he also likes to watch HGTV.
So after a few glasses of wine we started to make out during an episode of House Hunters International. Because he was in a monogamish relationship we were allowed to have sex, but I just didn’t feel like it was right. Still, I was very attracted to him and thought he was the nicest guy I had met since my last boyfriend.
He was 6’5” and nothing but muscle. “He was more man than I knew what to do with!” I told Ashley during our sleepover together.
“Oh I love tall men,” she said. “I just need a dominant guy who can hold me and keep me safe. There is something so attractive about that.”
She was completely right. And that was why I was so excited to have Phillip spend the night with me. It had been months since my last relationship and I was more than ready to spend the night with a man I truly liked.
I will never know which house they ended up choosing on House Hunters International, but my time with Phillip was more enjoyable anyway. Even though we fooled around for a few hours, I told him that I couldn’t have sex with him that night.
Ashley is waiting until marriage to have sex, so she also has to tell boys why she will not have sex with them.
“I just say that I am on my period. Works every time,” Ashley said.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
I did not have that option, but Phillip was very understanding, which made me like him even more.
By the time we finished, it was already 2 a.m., so I asked him what he needed besides a toothbrush to spend the night.
“Oh I can’t,” Phillip responded. “One of the rules is that we can’t have sleepovers.”
Rules? What rules? I thought that him spending the night was obvious. We had just spent the last few hours making out and it was so late, and he was just going to leave?
It turns out that being monogamish is more complicated that I thought. Just like everything else in life, there are rules: 1. No sleepovers, 2. No fancy dates and 3. Boyfriend’s permission is required before hooking up with someone else.
So from my experience this is what monogamish means: I am in love with my boyfriend, and we allow each other to have sex with other people, but I can have only sex with other people and nothing else.
Essentially this takes intimacy completely out of the equation.
I walked Phillip out and then laid in bed alone thinking about what I had just done. I was just brought back to reality because I had been living in a fantasy that night about what I was doing with Phillip and my feelings for him. I thought we were perfect together and I really liked him, but to him I was just a hookup.
We could still be friends, but I would never be his priority. His boyfriend was who he really cared about.
“It’s because sleeping over is more meaningful than sex itself,” Ashley told me during our sleepover. “I made out with a guy last weekend until 6 a.m. and then he told me he needed to leave. I was so excited to hold him and sleep next to him though. Relationships are not built during sex. They are built when you do special things like cuddling in bed all night,” she said.
Ashley was right and it was now obvious why Phillip and his boyfriend had this rule. But what was I going to do now?
Maybe I am not like other college students, but I care more about feeling close to someone rather than having sex with them and leaving. I knew that I needed to stop seeing Phillip after that and we are still friends, but nothing more.
From this experience I learned that I am only looking for a long-term relationship right now. I want a boy who will just hold me at night, make dinner with me and maybe bring me pumpkin spice lattes at work. Because to me, that is true love.
Not all of my friends agree with this logic however. Aurora believes there are certain boundaries and spending the night is a clear indicator that feelings are going to develop, which is why she usually does not sleep over.
“If I am strictly hooking up with a guy, then I don’t want to spend the night. Because if I did, I might get feelings for him and I don’t always want that,” she said.
Isn’t it weird to think that more feelings develop from spending the night with someone than having sex with them? How can sleeping next to someone be more meaningful than being literally inside them? Why are we so afraid to sleep next to someone else?
My gay best friend Max takes it even a step further and says sleepovers should only happen after you are in a relationship.
“Sometimes you just need to bone someone in order to see if you are compatible with them! Otherwise your sleepovers and time with them would be a waste if you find out later that you aren’t matching up,” he told me.
Alice is currently on a break from her boyfriend. Why? She was too tired to go spend the night at his place with him, and they got in a fight about it. Sleepovers meant so much to her boyfriend that he fought with her about not coming to spend the night with him.
And then there is Collette who isn’t looking for sex or sleepovers right now. She has a dream man in mind, but her career goals are more important to her than sex or cuddling. And she is happy with that because she is holding out for someone truly special.
I think it’s funny that a synonym for sex is “making love,” because I believe love is made during so many other parts of dating, like a sleepover. I don’t fall in love with anyone during sex, but instead it happens during a night spent together. Will relationships always be just about sex? Or is there a chance that we can do something more meaningful than sex and just have a #sleepover?
Current Relationship Statuses
Josh: Back to sleeping with stuffed animals
Ashley: Making out with men, but not sleeping over
Aurora: Sleeping over, but only with friends
Collette: Working hard and dreaming of the future
Alice: On a break and sleeping alone
Maggie: Sleeping with Netflix, and loving it
