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It must be summer. The highs are reaching 99 and the lows don’t exist. So, in the interest of keeping everybody cool, I have compiled a short list of things one can do to avoid overheating in the desert this summer. I don’t mean in the actual desert — I mean the concrete desert, because however many metaphors you can apply to Albuquerque, “concrete jungle” isn’t one of them.
Whenever I return after parking my car anywhere, the steering wheel feels like the mean temperature of the sun. One way to keep the steering wheel cool is to keep a bottle of water in the glove box. That way you can pour it over your steering wheel. Never mind if it spills on your legs or upholstery or dashboard or gets down into your signal or into the steering column. It will evaporate in minutes anyway.
I used to pour water on my body, too, when exiting the vehicle, but with the summers so hot these days, I’ve found that this doesn’t work as well. My solution is simple: First you need a standard roll of duct tape; next, you get a large quantity of ice-cubes; and finally, you tape them all over your body.
It may seem too cold at first, especially indoors where there is air conditioning. It also might make you look a bit silly to have all these duct-taped ice-cubes hanging off your body, but you can simply smile at those who point and laugh because they’ll be laughing through their sweat while you laugh from within a sheet of cold meltwater.
Some people may go so far as to complain about the trail of water you’ll be leaving all over the floor when you step indoors. Don’t panic — there’s an easy way to handle this. Look them in the eye and very seriously ask them, “Which would you rather have: Hydration or HEAT STROKE?” Be sure to pronounce “heat stroke” so that they know it is in all caps and italicized.
Of course, eventually the ice will completely melt and then you’ll be wearing some extremely hot tape. The solution here is to carry around one of those gigantic Super Soakers. That way, you can stay moist 24/7, spraying yourself down any time a dry spot appears.
Additionally, you can hire your friends out to periodically spray you if you don’t want to carry the Super Soaker around.
However, Super Soakers do need to be refilled, and while being refilled, the sun can get up to its old tricks such as roasting you alive. A better solution has been provided by the University.
There are fountains conveniently located all around campus.
There’s the Earth/Nature/Mother one that from above is clearly surrounded by the Imperial symbol from Star Wars. There’s also the weird blue spout one by the Education Department that looks like a melted piece of modern art and the slightly old-fashioned hidden fountain by Zimmerman.
Dunking yourself into the fountains is a great way to cool off.
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The Nature fountain is a bit harder because it’s ringed by plants and standing stones, but the weird blue one is easy because you just have to step over its embankment. Just remember to remove all electronics from your pockets before you get into a fountain.
There’s also the Duck Pond. Why should the ducks hog it all to themselves? I recommend using the Duck Pond as a base during the summer. Need to get to class? Well, by making a path out of Slip ‘n Slides between the pond and your class, you’ll never have to go anywhere dry again. An interconnected network of Slip ‘n Slides would solve all of the summer heat problems. I’m petitioning President Frank next week.
I hope these tips come in handy for your summer session at UNM. And even if you’re not going to class, keep them in mind anyway.
