Editor’s note: Hunter Ewing submits jokes to comedian Argus Hamilton. These are the jokes Hamilton did not use.
opinion@dailylobo.com
British Petroleum is arguing it’s unclear who’s to blame for the initial blast that killed 11 workers and let loose a stream of crude oil. Of course the waters are murky — they flooded them with five million barrels of oil.
Programs overseen by Congress such as the Library of Congress’ Books for the Blind initiative will take hits during the sequestration cuts. Our legislative body insists the effects will be minimal, but for some reason the blind just don’t see it that way.
Israel continues to deny that a Palestinian captive was tortured to death, despite Palestine’s insistence otherwise. He could have been tortured or treated to a five-course meal. The fact is we’ll never know which occurred. Although, given what passes for food in that country, we can safely assume he suffered either way.
The Vatican has vehemently denied rumored scandals involving sex, money and gay priests. Instead of distancing themselves from such lurid subject matter, the church should run with it. If more stories like that appeared in the Bible, they’d probably have more followers.
The Vatican said it was “deplorable” that while the College of Cardinals prepares to elect a new pope, a spate of new difficult-to-verify stories has appeared. Of course the Vatican is enraged; they only believe stories that are totally unverifiable.
Members of Egypt’s Coptic Christian minority have criticized the planned timing of parliamentary elections because some voting would conflict with their Easter holiday. They may not get to vote, but with all that egg dyeing, the Coptic Christians will still have ink on their fingers.
Sony’s Playstation division unveiled its new PS4 gaming system, which boasts state-of-the-art technology and hyperrealistic games. Sony elaborated, saying the most realistic part of owning a PS4 will be users’ intact virginities.
New York’s Lighthouse Beach on Fire Island will receive a ban on nude swimming from the National Park Service. Nudists are irritated. The Park Service responded by telling them to get the sand out of their nether regions.
Obama’s administration has asked the Supreme Court to overrule Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriage in California. The Supreme Court was confused; it thought that Prop 8 had already been overturned, given all the parades going on.
Italians, in a recent election, roundly rejected austerity measures. Italians and austerity; the notion of a temperate Italy could only have been conceived in a drunken state.
Nuclear power plant operators complain they don’t have enough man power to field all of the proposed safety measures, but when you work at a nuclear plant, not having enough hands isn’t really a good argument.
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A New Jersey judge baited strangers with homophobic and racist characters for a hidden-camera segment of ABC’s “PrimeTime Live.” The judge was criticized by a judicial committee. Even worse, the judge/actor’s agent called. He’s been typecast and now he’s starring in a biopic about Mel Gibson.
With Japanese women working in greater numbers, Japan’s state-subsidized day care system has to institute a competition for admission. Babies will be sumo wrestling for entry into highly coveted spots within the childcare program. Luckily, the babies needn’t change — they’re already wearing diapers.
Gun enthusiasts are creating legal trusts to skirt federal laws prohibiting the purchase of silencers, machine guns and other restricted firearms and attachments. This doesn’t make them criminals. Becoming lawyers made them criminals.
IKEA’s Swedish meatballs have been found to contain traces of horse meat. That’s not at all representative of IKEA. They’d much rather you find reindeer meat in your meatballs.
A study of retired referees has shown that they suffer from a ringing in their ears. It could be caused by their use of whistles during their working years, but more likely it’s a flat-lining heart monitor in another hospital room.
Bill Gates stated he isn’t satisfied with some aspects of Microsoft. When called for further comment, the line was busy. He was probably on the phone with Microsoft tech support trying to get his Zune to work.
Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, has splurged on a multimillion-dollar team bus. It’s equipped with bunk beds so injured players can sleep off concussions.
The Bulgarian government announced it will resign following violent oppositional protests. The announcement shocked the international community, which had no idea Bulgaria is a country.
The theft of U.S. patents is becoming an ever more prevalent and costly problem. The extent of Chinese theft is so pervasive that they even stole the business model of Panda Express.
Hunter Ewing is a freshman at UNM. Hate mail will be forwarded directly to Karl Rove, because, in a sense, both Ewing and Rove tell jokes for a living. When not writing jokes, Ewing tends to homeless people and nurses stray kittens back to health. Additionally, Ewing is competitive on the elementary school boxing circuit. He majors in English, so he’ll be able to write a really articulate résumé when he applies for a job as a busboy at Applebee’s.
