Mothy mayhem means the end is nigh

Just today, as I was preparing to laze about in the single weekend reprieve before studying for finals became important, I noticed a moth banging itself into my lamp until it was a senseless pulp.

Breaking out of my reverie, I noticed I had not one, but 60 moths fluttering around my bedroom.

Because this is unusual, I began to do some research. Upon consulting the Internet, I made a truly horrific discovery. This is the year 2012. The exact year that the Mayan calendar predicted to be the end times. Normally I would ignore such dire predictions, if only because when our calendar ended in Y2K, nothing happened either, so why trust an ancient civilization over our own? But with the plague of moths descending on the city — well. The end times must be near.

Yes, readers, the mothpocalypse is real and I have discovered the cause. We have not sacrificed anything to the moth gods and they are angry. They have sent us warnings periodically over the last few years and we have never heeded them. In 1997, we were visited by a similar miller moth invasion and we ignored the signs, but this time we won’t be so lucky. The Mayans knew, you see, and they placed a warning in their calendar making it end before the year was out. This, combined with the moths, proves that the moth gods are real.

Now, you may be asking yourself whether we can avert disaster, and the answer is yes, but only if we act now. Typically, ancient and evil deities need a sacrifice to appease them, and Albuquerque luckily has the West Mesa volcanoes ready and willing to take any sacrifice we wish to throw into them.

Because these volcanoes are extinct, we will need to wake them up. I suggest a giant drilling apparatus capable of drilling down some 20 miles to the Earth’s mantle, allowing magma to flow up. This should be sufficient to reawaken the dead volcanoes, allowing sacrifices to be made.

The next step will be to determine what shall be sacrificed. I suggest virgins myself, but because they are in short supply around here, I suggest importing them from Utah. We can petition the governor to create giant robots — like in the last “Terminator” film — to walk across the Four Corners to kidnap large numbers of Utahans for our volcano sacrifices. After a quick search on the Internet, I have found that because we have something like 77 percent of the U.S.’s nuclear stockpile here in New Mexico, the Utahans are unlikely to be capable of stopping us.

After we toss the Utahans into the volcano, we must pray to make sure that the wrath of the moth gods has abated, otherwise we will face a nightmare invasion of Acronicta leporina, i.e., miller moths, the likes of which we will never see again, mostly because they will eat us. A giant miller moth will climb out of Mount Taylor and make a beeline to Albuquerque, eating everything in its path.

Nuclear weapons won’t work and neither will air-dropped insecticide bombs. The U.S. government will collapse within a few days.

I urge you to consider the steps I have suggested.

I know some of you might be skeptical, but remember that skepticism is a terrifying disease of the mind and that only prayer, wanton sacrifices and blind blithering belief in my crazy predictions will save the world from mothy doom.