Dear Wooley,
Right now I am very conflicted in my home-life situation. I live with my parents, and they have been so gracious as to let me live in their home for free as long as I stay in school, which I am very grateful for.
I am respectful of their rules: I’ve stayed in school, gotten good grades, come home every night at a decent hour so as to not wake them, have a part-time job and do my part to make sure I don’t destroy their house. I’ve always been a mama’s girl, but lately it seems nothing I do is good enough or OK by her.
My four years are up this May, but I have to go to school for another year, and my mother has been very vocal about her disapproval. I also have a boyfriend whom she dislikes, and she has told me she doesn’t support my relationship. This doesn’t faze me much because she’s never really liked any of my boyfriends; she complains that I don’t have one, but then when I go get one, she complains about him.
I’m not going to break up with him just because she doesn’t like him. It has been very tense between me and my parents lately, although I don’t feel like I am living a bad lifestyle; I don’t drink, smoke or go out with friends.
I go to school, go to work, do homework and sleep. I rarely have any free time outside of my responsibilities. She told me she and my father are very disappointed in me, and I can feel the tension living in their home. I don’t want to live somewhere where I feel like I’m in trouble for nothing.
I know my parents want the best for me and want to see me succeed in all I do, but I don’t know what more I can do to get them to be proud of me. I’ve tried to talk to both of them about it, but it usually ends up in an unhealthy screaming argument. I love them and want them to be a part of my life, but at this point, I don’t even know how to maneuver the situation.
I want to move in with my boyfriend, but my mother will definitely disapprove. On the other hand, I don’t want to move out because I can save so much money in order to move out after I graduate in a year.
Plus, I don’t know how our relationship will be once I move out because I don’t want her to snub me like she has my sister: they barely speak, even on holidays. I want a healthy relationship with my parents, but I am at a loss as to how to achieve that at this point. I have no idea what to do now or where to go from here.
-Failing to make mom and dad proud
Dear Failing,
Your situation really isn’t all that uncommon among college students. There are plenty of folks in similar situations to yours, so don’t think you’re alone.
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I imagine the whole 18-to-20-something age range is just as much of a struggle for parents as it is for their kids because parents, having walked through so much of life already, want to step in and help us out. At the same time, the young folks are increasingly — if not already — independent, which changes the dynamic of the parent/child relationship.
Hear me correctly: we always need our parents to be our parents, and they always will be, but around this time in our lives, often the relationship turns more into a friend/friend relationship.
This change isn’t always easy for parents or for their children.
It also can’t be forced. Like you said, parents want what’s best for their kids; they just may not always know what that is, or how to trust in the fact that their child is an adult. This is a time of change for them, too; just keep that in mind.
So, what do you do? Well, as long as you’re living under your parents’ roof, you don’t have a choice — their roof, their rules. You’re a guest in their house. If you aren’t happy, move out. No one is forcing you to stay there. While you’ll have a whole lot more responsibility when you finally do move out, you’ll have the freedom you finally want.
Now, whether you move out on your own or find a roommate, and whether that roomie is your boyfriend or your sister — all those factors matter for your decision, but weigh them carefully. All of these will impact your life, relationships and the one space you should feel most safe and comfortable: your home.
My home is a place of peace and rest where I can relax. Ask yourself what you want your ideal living situation to be like and how it makes you feel, and then try to intentionally align your home and environment with that vision.
To take advice from a popular ‘90s movie, maybe you should make a list of 10 things you like and hate, and consider whether they make you feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed.
As far as salvaging or strengthening your relationship with your parents, you only have so much control over that. You can’t control other people’s words, desires, opinions or actions, only your own.
Regardless of your living situation choices, let your parents know that you value your relationship with them. As long as you feel it’s welcomed, continue to pursue it, and when it’s not, keep your peace.
In regard to you having another year of school, kudos on getting this far. Finish strong. As I’m finding out now, the last year is sometimes the hardest, but if you continue to work hard and rely on those supportive people in your life such as friends, mentors and — yes — family, you can do it. Don’t give up.
If you have questions and need answers, please send an email to Wooleysweeklywisdom@gmail.com. He’ll be more than happy to answer any questions or concerns you might have. Be sure to check out his Facebook page, ask-ryan-wooley.
