Good parenting possible despite parentless past
Dear Wooley,
I grew up in and out of foster care. When I was 18, I was released into the world to fend for myself — and I did. In fact, I did pretty darn well for myself. I got a job, then a better job, and now I’m both working and two years into my program here at UNM.
Over spring break, my girlfriend of a little more than three months revealed to me that she has a 4-year-old boy. I had the opportunity to meet him. He’s an incredible little kid. He and I had so much fun together, but here’s where I’m struggling.
When I see him, as excited as I am to meet this kid and be part of his and his mom’s life, it scares the hell out of me. I keep thinking that I won’t know what to do because I didn’t have any solid parental figures around, and I honestly am scared because of my ignorance.
I’ve thought about my future and would, in theory, like children one day, but meeting him makes me question if I have the ability. I try to shake that feeling, and I really like this woman. I have even considered proposing, but is it right of me to stay with her, knowing that I don’t really have a context for how to be a dad?
-Confused caregiver
Dear Confused,
I have to preface my response with the fact that I’ve never had kids.
That said, I’ve got to give you kudos for stepping up and supporting yourself despite a hard childhood. Be proud of yourself for accomplishing your goals and taking yourself to new heights.
I also admire your heart because if you didn’t care about this woman and her little boy, you wouldn’t have written in. It’s that consideration of others before yourself and loving care for another that is most important. Still, your letter is heavy, and I’m going to try to help.
I don’t know you personally, so I can’t tell you that you will make a good or bad father. And I can’t tell you it will be easy, or whether your decision to stay with this woman or not is one you should take lightly. You know that’s not the case.
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Some people may disagree with me on this, but if you’re dating someone who has kids, every decision you make regarding the relationship with the other person also has to consider the child, and how that decision will affect the child in the long run. I think you probably have enough respect for this kid to do that.
I’m also not going to tell you that all you need is a love for this child and his mom. That’s not all that it takes. It will take commitment, both when it’s easy and when it’s hard. It will take all of you, financially, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. It’ll take everything you’ve got.
You won’t just be a “you” anymore — you’ll be an “us.” Parenting isn’t something you can half-ass. There’s no such thing as just “kind of” being a parent. You’re in or you’re out. As far as you deciding if you’re ready to commit to this woman and her son, you alone can make that decision.
While all those are solid factual statements for you, your specific struggle seems to be with confidence in yourself, and your ability to be for someone else what you never had. Here comes some real talk that I hope frees you up.
You aren’t anyone but you. You’re not your mom or your dad, or the result of any good or bad decisions they made. You’re not the foster parents you may have encountered, and you’re not the social workers you met. You aren’t a guy who “beat the system,” and by all means, you’re not a statistic.
Yes, all of those may be part of your story, but hear me loud and clear: your past doesn’t define you if you don’t let it. It’s where you are now, the decisions you make today and the vision for where you’re going that you measure yourself by.
That said, if you want to be a father, husband, graduate or the best damn boss anyone has ever worked for, I believe you can be that. Still, you have to allow yourself to be that. You have to not just want it, but know that you, as a person, are worthy of not just serving others, working hard and giving love to a little kid, but receiving it, too. If you make that commitment, you’ll be a father, whether you feel ready or not.
I say that because all the little kids I know are full of kisses and stories, hugs and laughter. The affection and measure of love that will be returned to you is much more than you can fathom.
Know that love and fear cannot coexist. They just don’t mix. If you do care about this woman, and you really do care about her kid, and you love them and are consciously committing yourself to them, then don’t let the fear hold you back. Never make a decision based on a fear of the outcome.
