“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Have you heard that one? I remember it from my own childhood. Never was a bigger lie chanted by a generation of children.
Words can too hurt, as any search of your own memories will confirm. We have all said and heard things we wish we hadn’t.
The thing about the spoken word is that there is no deleting it, no undo button. Once said, a harsh word cannot be unsaid. If you’re old enough to read this, you’re old enough to have experienced this truth. Think before you speak.
“Be impeccable with your word” is the first agreement in “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom,” a book of Toltec wisdom by Don Miguel Ruiz. This little book offers four simple agreements, or principles to practice to create love and happiness in your life.
If you are impeccable with your word, he explains, you speak with integrity. You say only what you mean, and you avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. You use the power of your words in the direction of truth and love.
So if you feel angry or hurt at someone, take a few breaths before you lash out with something you may later regret. Remember, what you say cannot be unsaid. Instant reaction is not always the best way to go.
Yes, honesty is important, but so is compassion and
responsibility. Give yourself some time so that you can choose your words wisely. You may choose not to say anything at all. As Mark Twain quipped, it is “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Sometimes silence is the best policy.
Words can hurt but they can also heal. Again, look to your own experience to find the truth in this. Remember a time when a gentle word from someone calmed you down, or a loving conversation lifted you and the person with whom you were talking. This can be especially true in times of crisis or trauma.
Judith Acosta and Judith Simon Prager, in their book “The Worst Is Over,” review research that shows that what people in crisis hear affects healing rates, both physical and emotional. If a traumatized person hears encouraging words, they recover more quickly. The authors have developed a simple program to help paramedics and EMTs responding to trauma. They call it verbal first aid and offer it as another tool in the medical bag.
You don’t have to be a paramedic to be able to help someone in crisis or at the scene of a trauma. By simply offering your calm, supportive presence, you can clear the path to healing. These are some of the suggestions Acosta and Prager make:
Physical first aid first. Call 911, apply pressure to bleeding, etc.
Establish an alliance. “My name is Peggy and I am here to help you.” Touch them if possible, as physical contact can be very reassuring.
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Be realistic and encouraging. “The worst is over. Help is on the way.”
Solicit their help, empowering them to participate in their own care. “As I hold your hand, will you count your breaths for me?”
Distract them from pain by helping them go somewhere in their imagination that is pleasant to them. “What is one of your favorite places? The beach? Okay, imagine you are there now.”
Verbal first aid, Acosta and Prager write, is more than the words themselves. It is an attitude “born from a decision we make to participate in our wellness and in the well being of others.”
You don’t have to remember the steps above in detail or use the words I have suggested. When you see someone who is hurting physically or emotionally, if you simply step up and speak kindly to them, you will be helping tremendously.
As Mother Teresa said, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
Words have power. Use that power wisely.
