Wooley’s Weekly Wisdom

A flawed family is better than no family at all

Dear Wooley,

I’m an undergrad with just about a month and a half left before I graduate. As excited as I am about that, the thing that really causes me fear, frustration and anxiety isn’t my upcoming finals — it’s my family.

I can’t handle the arguing between my little teen brother and my mother. She’s always texting me to see how I’m doing, like at least once a day. My father doesn’t like doing anything that doesn’t involve sports, and he probably will be checking updates and watching ESPN on his phone as I walk across the stage.
I honestly feel like as soon as they come into town, I’m going to just get dragged into all the extra anxiety that comes with them, and I’ll have to spend my entire weekend with them. It’s just added drama. How can I avoid this seemingly inevitable train wreck of a weekend?

-Frustrating Family for Graduation

Dear Frustrating,

It sure sounds like you’ve got it rough. A family that isn’t perfect desires to see you and celebrate this profound achievement with you — how terrible. Before you know it, they’re going to want you to call them once a week and maybe even fly home for Christmas.

In all seriousness, get over yourself. You have a family that obviously cares about you enough to come to see you. They are spending time, money and energy to come be with you. The least you can do is be grateful. There are so many people who don’t have a little brother to mentor, whose parents have split up or maybe even aren’t around to be present at their graduation.

You, on the other hand, don’t seem to see the beauty of minor family flaws. No one is perfect. No one gets to pick their family like their fantasy league — yeah, that’s a sports reference, but keep reading — and some families are royal messes. Still, it’s through trials and hard times that those relationships, like any, are tested; this is how they mature and how they grow.

You get the family you’re given. You love them regardless of who they are or choose to be. Even when we become ridiculously independent and push our families away, they are still there to love us.

To be honest, it sounds like you’ve got it pretty good. These people who you haven’t seen in a while, and aren’t appreciative of, still want to claim you as their own. They want you to hear a cheer when your name is called because they probably feel they would fail as a family if there were a silence instead.

Heck, if you don’t want to spend the entire weekend with them, you don’t have to, but it’s not going to kill you to give them some quality time. I bet if you let down your guard, you’ll even be able to open up and turn that anxiety to enjoyment.

So, you have two options. You can spend the graduation weekend with friends only, hit up a few parties and share time with everyone you’ve seen for the last four years, or you can spend some time with those who would love you regardless of whether you ever acquired this degree. Regardless, I hope you’ll text your mom back and tell her you love her.

Don’t let potential worry bother relationship now

Dear Wooley,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months now, and it’d be fair to say our relationship is serious. We both are so happy with how our relationship is going, honest in our communication and excited for all the possibilities of our future. Things are really great. That said, my boyfriend recently confessed to me that if he can only get a job out of state when he graduates, he’s going to take it.

I still have a year of school to go and don’t know what to think about this. As much as I want him to accomplish his dreams, I want him to stay in Albuquerque while I finish my last year here. When we talk, he says he’s still crazy about me, but has to follow wherever he can get the job.

Am I crazy for feeling hurt that he might not get a position in Albuquerque?

-Scared of losing my sweetheart

Dear Scared,

I don’t think you’re crazy. You are clearly emotionally attached to this guy, and such attachment is expected in romantic relationships. Two people getting to know one another, spending time together and sharing experiences results in those emotional bonds because of the vulnerability allowed and investments made.
Still, there’s nothing wrong with you grieving over the thought of him leaving New Mexico. It means the relationship you two have is genuine and real to you.

Not to say that the relationship isn’t real to him because he wants to take a job outside of Albuquerque, should it present itself. The relationship may very well be real to him.

It seems that his thought process is leaning toward a more provisionary, pragmatic process. Once he graduates, he wants to get a job and work. There’s a pride and security in that idea that isn’t necessarily exclusive from one of love and maintaining your relationship.

He can move away for a job and the relationship can still exist if you both want it to. You’d have to work at it, but it’s possible. Of course, he may get a job here in Albuquerque. Until the job offer is signed, there’s nothing definitive for you to worry about.

What you can do in the meantime is enjoy the time you both have together. Yes, preparing for the future is good, and whatever happens will happen, but you don’t need to worry about it yet.

Don’t stress over a problem if it’s not actually there. There are a million what-ifs that, if you allow them to, will consume your thoughts and worries. Don’t worry and have trust that things will work out.

If you have questions and need answers, please send an email to Wooleysweeklywisdom@gmail.com. He’ll be more than happy to answer any questions or concerns you might have. Be sure to check out his Facebook page, ask-ryan-wooley.