Stay sunny to outshine gloominess of others
Dear Wooley,
My roommate and I both lived in the dorms last year, and we are roommates again this year. Even though we just met last year, we are very good friends.
Here’s my issue: about three months ago, my roommate started going out with this guy who I really don’t like. It’s not that he’s bad to her, but I feel like he’s a bad influence in her life.
By that I mean that he’s very negative and always seems to be complaining about something. I’ve told my roommate my opinion of him, but he’s her first boyfriend and she doesn’t want to break up.
I can see her starting to change when he’s around and take on his life’s stresses. I think she’s convinced she’s happy in the relationship, even though she knows he can be a downer.
I’m so frustrated with the situation. I still love my friend, but none of her friends, myself included, like this dude and we think he needs to go.
What do we do?
-Concerned Roomie
Dear Concerned,
You’re a good friend to care so much about your roommate. It’s obvious you’re sincerely worried about your friend, but you can’t control other’s decisions. You can only control your own.
If she wants to date this guy seriously, that’s up to her. You’re welcome to offer your opinion, especially if she asks for it, but who she dates is her prerogative.
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Aside from that, continue to model a loving, supportive relationship to her. Your intentional consistency of positive friendship is the best thing you can give her. That said, don’t sugar-coat the truth when you are asked for your opinion.
There’s nothing wrong with real talk; just make sure you present it in love, and in your disdain for her boyfriend, make sure you don’t end up belittling her. Your actions and words have an effect on her, positive or negative, whether or not you realize it.
Yes, it may seem hard to sit idly by as you see your friend going down a path you may not think is right, but all you can really do is talk to her and show her love. She’s an adult, responsible for her own decisions and choices. What you can continue to do is be supportive of her, regardless of what those decisions are.
Racist relative doesn’t have to ruin relationship
Dear Wooley,
My boyfriend of a year and a half finally introduced me to his family this weekend. Up to this point, we had experienced a few arguments over minor things, but for the most part our relationship was wonderful. He has been nothing but good to me.
When I met his family for the first time, everything was cordial and nice until my boyfriend stepped out of the room briefly. His mom made a few racial comments that took me aback.
He’s white and I’m black. That’s never been an issue before and I didn’t think it would be with his parents, but apparently it is.
Without revealing what she said, she made it clear to me that she wasn’t a fan of me — or anyone who wasn’t Anglo — dating her son. I was taken aback and didn’t tell my boyfriend until after the weekend was over.
After talking to him, he told me he’d never known his mom to be racist and that he wanted to continue our relationship. I don’t know if I can, and if I do, I don’t feel comfortable around a woman who I so want to like me, but who despises the color of my skin.
Do you have any advice for moving forward?
-Appalled by Mommy Racist
Dear Appalled,
I am sincerely sorry that you went through that experience. Racism is awful.
Racism can only be eradicated when society makes the conscious effort not to accept prejudice. On an individual level, many people do not accept it, but then when someone says something that’s racially aggressive, it’s accepted.
This acceptance is what keeps stereotypes and prejudices alive and active. People should make the conscious choice to speak out when these racial comments present themselves.
Plenty of people think that racial tensions aren’t really an issue in the U.S. because of our giant, melting-pot cities, shared culture and language, but really, racial hatred is a problem.
You alone can decide if you want to still move forward in this relationship or not. I’m a proponent of “love conquering all.”
Societal expectations and prejudices are a reality, though, and one that you have to determine if you want to fight in regard to whom you form relationships with. Before any decision, always count the cost.
Be honest with your boyfriend and his mother if you do decide to stay in the relationship. Let them know how you feel.
I do know multiple couples with mixed skin tones who are happily married. It is possible. They made it and you can, too, if that’s what you want.
If you have questions and need answers, please send an email to Wooleysweeklywisdom@gmail.com. He’ll be more than happy to answer any questions or concerns you might have. Be sure to check out his Facebook page, ask-ryan-wooley.
