Good men don’t rape or abuse their partners
Dear Wooley,
My man is not good to me like he used to be. He doesn’t tell me he loves me like he used to, and there’s some other stuff, too. He hit me once, but that was a long time ago.
I’ve tried talking to him about us and how he’s changed, but he just discounts it or changes the subject. There’s very little communication anymore, and I feel like all we do is have sex, even when I don’t want to. I feel objectified and numbed by it, and I miss what we used to be.
I know he’s a good man, so I don’t want to end it with him, but I don’t know what to do other than try to talk to him in an effort to try to restore the relationship. Do you have any advice?
-Longing for the old days
Dear Longing,
Get out of that relationship. He’s not willing to communicate, and you are in a cyclical pattern that is unhealthy. Get out.
It sounds like he’s both abusing and raping you. You don’t have to say “no” for an unwanted act to be counted as rape. It’s not okay and you should get help. The Women’s Resource Center and the Agora hotline are good places to start. Do not ignore this.
As far as men are concerned, we are freer to be men when we don’t accept violent societal standards. It’s not diminishing masculinity, but embracing the fullness of manhood and the responsibilities that come with it.
The ideology of devaluing women to empower men is wrong. When we all treat women with respect and adoration, we can begin to progress as a society. Do your part by affecting the sphere of influence in your life.
Don’t accept “locker-room talk” if it is degrading, and reject media that promotes these negative ideas. Foster open dialogue with women. Fellas, this is a conscious, intentional effort to redefine society and masculine culture. Redefine manhood for the better.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
Tony Porter — director of A Call to Men, a men’s organization that works to end violence against women — said, “My liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.” End violence against women.
If you can’t beat them, play a different game
Dear Wooley,
I’m a freshman and the little brother of a graduating senior. My older sister has always been the one to stand out in my family.
In high school, she won all the basketball trophies, while I just played in games. She was part of the Albuquerque Youth Symphony Orchestra, while I just made All-State. Now that I’m in college, she’s graduating with a degree in business, and I’m taking my prerequisites to get into Anderson.
I’m finding it hard — as I have all my life — to not be identified as her little brother by our friends. How do I finally be better than her at something? I want her and everyone else to see me for me.
-Identity Crisis
Dear Identity,
Perhaps your goals of beating her and making a name for yourself are counterproductive. Your older sister has had more time to practice and experience various aspects of life than you up to this point, and with limited options in middle school and high school, it’s understandable that your interests were probably the same as hers. She’s your older sister, of course.
That said, now that you’re in college, you have the opportunity to really break out from under her shadow, as it seems that’s what you want. Be true to yourself and pursue your own interests; try something new that neither you nor your older sister has ever tried.
I’m not suggesting you change your major, unless you don’t see yourself going into business. Consider starting or joining a student group with similar interests to yours, make new friends and create experiences that are unique to you.
You don’t have to compare yourself to your sister. As a freshman, you still have so much time to grow and become the person you want to be. By trying new things, you start paving your own path. The choices you make will become part of your own unique story. Remember, the pen is in your hands.
Is relationship worth the hardship of trust issues?
Dear Wooley,
Valentine’s Day backfired, big-time. I woke up early, cooked my girlfriend breakfast in bed and made her lunch before she left for work, so she could sleep in and enjoy the breakfast.
While at work, I not only had flowers delivered, but a quartet of romantic singers surprised her with two songs and chocolates.
Then I took her out for a romantic dinner, for which I’d made reservations a month ago.
When we came home afterward, she walked into our apartment, which was cleaner than it’s ever been because I took the day off from work to make it really nice.
She’s got a history of bad boyfriends. She hasn’t stopped accusing me of cheating this last week, all based on the fact that I did so much for her on Valentine’s Day. I’m not a cheater. I know she’s been cheated on in the past, but not by me. How do I get through to her?
-Punished for trying to please
Dear Punished,
There are some people who unfortunately won’t see past their worst relationships, even when they are with different people.
Then there are some people who have a hard time accepting and receiving love from others. They don’t think they’re worth it or have had negative experiences.
Regardless, in any relationship, we consciously choose to accept these people as they are and move forward.
That’s what commitment is. I’d say assess the situation. Talk to her.
You can’t change her, but you can be honest and defend yourself if you’re in the clear. If she still can’t believe that your adoration for her is genuine and not a cover-up, ask yourself if you’re willing to move forward in that relationship knowing that she has trust issues.
That’s a decision only you can make.
