Down in Denver daunted due to defunct romance
Dear Wooley,
I’m a long-time reader, first-time writer, and I have a dilemma.
My ex and I broke up five months ago. It was the best relationship that I’ve ever had. The break-up was both the easiest and hardest I’ve done because, like the rest of the relationship, we talked it through together and made the decision with each other. It was hard because it was hard to see such a good thing end.
We took some time apart to get our heads on straight, but started talking again soon after and became friends again.
I still have feelings for her, but know that it would be foolish to try to get back together; the problems that ended the relationship would still be there. I don’t want to cut her out of my life, so the question is: How does one move on while still remaining friends?
Sincerely,
Down in Denver
Dear Denver,
You do have a dilemma and some choices to make. First you have to answer some hard questions: Do you really want to still remain friends? Are “the problems that ended the relationship” really that big? If you do remain friends, what would that look like?
I’ve never really remained close friends with people I’ve gone out with. That’s just me. I have plenty of friends who insist on remaining friends with exes, and for some it goes well. However, in the cases I’ve seen (from the outside looking in), it’s not a great choice because, like your situation, one person typically still has feelings and it’s hard for one or both people to move on. Your experience may be different.
You don’t seem to have an issue of communication in your relationship by how you describe the break-up. My advice is to communicate.
You need to communicate with yourself first. Sound weird? That’s okay. Communication is key to every relationship, whether it be a friendship, romance, or even professional relationships.
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Communication clarifies expectations and defines roles. Ask yourself what you want, why you want it, and why that’s important to you. Check yourself — make sure your intentions and heart are right. Knowing these will help you decide how to move forward.
If you want to go back to being in a relationship with this gal, tell her. You both have had time to think, and if those “problems” are minor and this relationship is something you truly want to rekindle romantically, talk to her about it and express that. Know that doing so could risk rejection.
Your vulnerability is on the line and romantic feelings may not be reciprocated. Still, she’s another person and deserves the respect of clear communication. It’ll be difficult, but just be you. Be open, honest and clear, and if she doesn’t feel the same way, you’ll have to accept that and move on. If she does and a relationship is something you want, it could work out.
If that’s not the case and you still want to remain friends, define for yourself what your boundaries are. Be conscious that you’ve made the decision to just be friends and what actions you’ll take to prevent yourself from giving into feelings that would pull you from that resolution.
Just like any other area of life, let your actions support your decisions.
If you’ve made a choice that, for example, you’re not going to drink, you don’t go hang out in bars. If you don’t want to smoke, don’t go socialize during smoking breaks. I’m not saying that you isolate yourself from her and cut off the relationship that way. I am saying you should set and know your boundaries, to protect your heart so that you can move on.
Perhaps this would be you and her not hanging out alone together, not texting or talking on the phone late every night about what happened during the day. Go ahead and hang out at group functions, parties and in class. Say ‘hey’ and maybe talk for a bit, but know your boundaries. You don’t have to lose a friend if you don’t want to.
However, if these boundaries change the dynamics of your relationship with her, you’ll probably want to talk to her after making this decision, too, though most people will tell you otherwise.
By doing so, you clearly let her know where you’re at and how you feel, but more importantly, you’ll be guarding her heart and mind, and avoiding her confusion about relationship changes.
Decide what you want, why you want it, and then talk to her and move forward. Regardless of how things play out, keep your head up. Whether ya’ll get back together or just stay friends, or even if this ends horribly (it probably won’t), breathe. Remember every day is new, and no one knows what will happen throughout that day, whom you’ll meet, or what opportunities will present themselves.
Don’t let the stress of this or any relationship bring you down to a level where this is all you think about. Live your life fully.
Let those who want to join and desire the same things you do come along. Embrace and be glad with the relationships you have, regardless of where they’re at. Tomorrow’s a new day, and there’s no reason to be down, especially in Denver!
If you have questions that need answering, please send an email to Wooleysweeklywisdom@gmail.com He’ll be more than happy to answer any questions or concerns you might have. Be sure to check out his facebook page, ask-ryan-wooley.
