Troubled veterans need more resources

Depression, thoughts of suicide, social isolation, quick temper, general malaise and numbness, trouble sleeping, avoidance of large crowds, uncertainty and anxiety around loud noises are all signs and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I know because I have PTSD, and those are some of the things PTSD has given me. In return for all the things PTSD has given me, it took from me my military career, a 10-year relationship and two jobs outside the military. It changed my personality and the man I once knew.

I don’t know why or how I got PTSD. I can’t pinpoint a day, an event, or even a series of events that changed my life forever. I just know I will never be the person I was before going to Iraq in 2005.

Those who knew me before 2005 will tell you I was fun, spontaneous, outgoing and could find the joy and humor in just about every situation. I had always enjoyed meeting new people and experiencing new things. They will tell you I am not like that anymore.

For a few years after returning home from Iraq, I tried to figure out what had changed within me and why, but no matter how much I analyzed it I could not come up with the answers. I just knew I was not me, not the me I used to be, and I was struggling to find myself.

In 2011, five years after returning home, I found myself enrolling at UNM. I was in the UNM Veterans Resource Center when a woman named Elise asked me how I was doing. Believing she was just being polite, I answered the obligatory “fine, thank you.” It was then that I could feel her looking at me as she repeated the question.

This time I was aware that she wasn’t asking the question carelessly. She asked me how I was doing in such a way that it allowed me to see in her eyes and hear in her voice that her question was more than casual. Her question made me feel as though she somehow saw the turmoil inside me, and that scared me. I was frightened by the thought of someone seeing all the things I was trying to hide within myself, and yet that moment was also a moment of revelation.

It was then that I was finally able to admit to myself that my problem was more than I alone could handle, and that what I was experiencing was not unique to my experience. Others before me had been through this, and I was going to get through it, too. I sought out that help, and I continue to see a counselor at the Albuquerque Veterans Center regularly. I know now that I will never recapture the me I once was; I am learning to accept the me I am now and move forward.

I don’t tell you this to gain your sympathy or pity, I tell you this because there are and will be many more veterans who have or will experience similar situations. There are hundreds of thousands of men and women who have served or are serving in combat zones around the world. Many of them will be forever changed by their experiences, just as I have been.

As a country we are ill-equipped to handle the number of veterans we will see returning home with PTSD. We need to recognize there is no quick fix, no one-size-fits-all cure for those of us diagnosed with PTSD. Each one of us is an individual, and requires individual plans of action to help us. I can’t say I have any of the answers, but it will take more than just counseling or medication to help these men and women. Right now, however, those appear to be the only forms of help available.

The saddest part of this whole mess is that it is not just the veterans who are impacted by PTSD. Everyone who knows, is related to, or has met a veteran with PTSD is affected. Those people who I have met since returning home never got the chance to know the real me — the me before PTSD. This will also be the case for those who return with PTSD. We will never know them for them, for who they were. We may see a glimpse of who they once were, but we will never fully understand the impact PTSD has made on them. We may never know if these changes are temporary, permanent, or if there will be some sort of combination thereof.

There are many veterans here on campus that have some degree of PTSD, and are going through much more than many people realize. If we miss a few classes, seem preoccupied or otherwise distracted in class, or maybe just seem standoffish, try not to hold it against us. It may be one of those days in which we are dealing with more than just the pressures of school. Veterans can’t always articulate what is bothering them or why — something just is. When around veterans, just be yourself; be supportive and try to be understanding. We may never be the people we once were, but hopefully we can one day be accepting and proud of the people we have become.

As more and more veterans come home, and more and more veterans show the signs and symptoms of PTSD, the most important thing we can do is to not give up on them as they struggle not to give up on themselves.