Well, it’s finals week again.
The way I see it, you don’t need more encouragement or stress-relief tips. It’s inevitable that the climate of campus during this week will leave you feeling fatigued and violent, looking for any excuse to choke your peers and set fire to your textbooks.
So I’ll offer humor instead. I’m of the opinion that laughter truly is the best medicine, so just read this and try not to overdose, you fiendish gaggle of book gnomes.
Recent news events have left a dark cloud hanging over my already dim outlook on American society. It seems the only things we can really unite over are our hatred for terrorist leaders and 13-year-old girls with shitty music videos. Furthermore, the extent to which we’re willing to take that hate is appalling.
The other day I saw on the cover of the National Enquirer — the nation’s greatest bastion of free speech — a sub-headline that read “He cried and begged for his life.”
While it was a terrifying example of ugly pride in the Osama bin Laden matter, I thought the description would have been more fitting for a story about Glenn Beck losing his job.
That sweaty chunk of false prophecy cried more than Don Schrader at a Walmart. I would absolutely love it if the two switched places, so that something constructive would come out of the reptile pit that is Fox News.
Beck’s squealing has been one of the lowest points in our national media history, and though he may be off the air, his memory will live on inside me. In my colon.
Speaking of gas, how about that royal wedding? That sure was something. Oh wait — I just realized I still don’t care at all.
I wonder how I can achieve such media coverage for my own wedding, when the time comes. I suppose I’ll just get to systematically colonizing every patch of green earth until people respect and fear me enough to watch me anxiously await honeymoon sex.
I know, I know, the loving union of two people should always be celebrated, for it is one of the few remaining truths in our devious times.
That’s why I can’t wait for Kanye West to get married to himself. He is a true icon — some might say the defining artist of our generation. I respect Mr. West, but do not envy his position as the nation’s most-anticipated closet-leaver.
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On that note, I’d like to say I fully support gay marriage. I think everyone should have the right to get tax breaks and sexual frustration without impedance. If only it were legal, I would probably get married to my Ray-Bans, because they do for me what good partners should do for each other: They protect me, make me look good, and they somehow get people to hit on me more frequently.
However, I am in a fully committed relationship right now, for the first time in years. And it feels great. I’m nurtured, have more love than I know what to do with and have the comfort of knowing my every frustration and insecurity will be received with compassion.
The problem is that my penis is actually the reincarnation of famed Scottish revolutionary Mel Gibson, and it leaps out of my pants screaming “Freedom!” every time I try to oppress it.
But there are more important things than sex. Plenty of them.
Like discipline. The disciplines of study, exercise and benevolence are the greatest things we can do for ourselves and each other as human beings. I swear, if sex was not a concern for us, we would have colonized Mars by now, and it would be covered with fully sustainable farms, housing and Arby’s.
I look forward to that day, minus the Arby’s, though God knows they appear everywhere without notice or reason. I am excited for the future, as I know all of you are of impending graduates are.
I am fascinated by the scientific and technological advances that are defining the world to come, and I am working hard so that my personal future looks bright. Your resolution of this week, graduating or not, shows your commitment to doing the same.
So I urge you to venture forth with enthusiasm and a sense of humor. Be bold, stick to your dreams and never forget the experiences that made you happiest. Because your lives are now a subsidiary of One World Government/Arby’s Inc. I love you guys.
See you in space.
