I am in the process of re-calibrating the nucleus of an atom.
Don’t ask me why. I am an English major, but I have reached the point where I have given up on trying to understand the assignments my professors give to me.
I have, in essence, become a robot spouting out what task is set my way. I, however, am cursed with being a malfunctioning robot, so I can do anything, but I can’t do anything well, or anything I do is about 55 percent made up.
Whatever. I have come to terms with it, but there’s no reason that the rest of you should have to. In the spirit of fighting against the mind-numbing nature of finals, I have decided to say inflammatory things with the hope of removing you, dear reader, from the brain rut that we have all sunk into.
One, I am sure if you have a Facebook (If you don’t, just stop reading. No, really, I have nothing to offer you otherwise.) you have noticed last week people posting pictures of their favorite childhood cartoon to promote child abuse awareness. This is stupid for several reasons. Why ruin a perfectly good childhood memory with thoughts of abuse? Can’t we all just reread A Child Called It to get the appropriate level of guilt pumping in our veins?
Also, promoting awareness over Facebook is a fallacy. People get on Facebook to go brain-dead — kind of like drinking but more socially acceptable, but still just as dangerous while driving. And, accordingly, any cause that occurs to them on Facebook will go something like this, “Oh my, that thing I disapprove of is so bad. I don’t like this thing, so I will click a few random buttons in order to quell my feelings about this thing.” So yeah, Facebook cartoons — dumb and ineffective. Also, I must hate abused children (Interesting side note: Microsoft Word thought that “hate” was meant to be “have.” Well Word, not yet, but all in due time).
Two, winter break sucks and should not happen.
Think about it. No winter breaks means no finals, and no finals means no rambling columns from yours truly. I will be completely unemployed over the break because the paper doesn’t publish, so yeah, I do want school to go on. Yes, I would keep you from your loved ones, relaxation and whatever it is kids do over winter break for the sake of a steady paycheck. I would do it with a smile and then write another column about how I think less of you all and how happy I am that I got my way and that you didn’t. Instead, because there are more of you than there are of me, I will spend my winter break wrapped in blankets and eating dried ramen noodles because it’s too expensive to turn the gas on to boil water.
And when I come back, you can bet your firstborn and un-abused child that I’ll write a column about it.
Three, the new Kanye West album sucks. No, really. The rest of this column might be sarcastic, but these 23 words are not.
Four, give up on the Lobo men’s basketball team early. The Lobos will make you believe in something, and then snatch that all from you in an instant just to see the crushed look on your face. But from the looks of the bleachers, it seems some of you have already got a jump start on that. Keep up the good work.
Five, is anyone else feeling like Lobo Village would be just an awesome place to live?
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I mean, as a good friend told me, “It’s going to make it so much easier for the athletes to have sex with each other. They can have booze any time they want since it’s a wet campus, and since they have their own large and spacious rooms, there won’t be any issue kicking the roommate out.”
I mean, I guess that already happens at the Redondo Village Apartments, but at least now the athletes will be spared the inconvenience of promising their RA it won’t happen again. “Naw, really man, I promise. Last time!”
Six, some random combination of the words Locksley, gay rights, Israel, Palestine, budget cuts, Paul Roth, Iraq, South Korea, nuclear weapons, the pope and so on. If there was nothing in this list of nouns that didn’t upset you, I am sorry. I will try harder next time.
If everything in this list upsets you please send me an e-mail, and I will send you more lists bound to bother.
Wow. See, this is what happens when you act on the raw impulses that come from the last two weeks of school.
Remember: Think before you type, otherwise you might end up writing something like this.
