The days have turned gray, the semester is nearly over, and there is a palpable sense of fatigue on campus. It’s that time of year when we all just want to shelve the books for winter and retire to the comfort of a warm bed, preferably with someone else in it. Granted, before we can enjoy the tranquility of winter, there is that final gauntlet to run: finals.
I’m not much one for offering tips on how to stay calm and focused during stressful times. It’s inevitable that no matter how much effort the majority of us have put into preparing for finals week, we will start behaving as panicked apes and demean ourselves physically and mentally until we are exhausted enough to collapse in a pile of our own filth. What I can offer is some suggestions as to how you can make the best of your finals week, by avoiding common mistakes and following the sage wisdom that I am just full of.
As a senior, I’m well-accustomed to the cacophonous rabble that rises in the weeks before finals, coming from all sides, squealing like a giant hamster. Everyone is on edge. If you are a freshman, take to heart that this is an essential part of every semester’s course, and you are best off ignoring the uncharacteristic changes in your friends, whether they be distant, sporadically violent, or no longer interested in Hobbit Club. Over-analyzing why your friends are treating you differently will only bring you more stress; these are merely emotions bred of the holiday season, and they will pass. However, I should note that if your friends are violent in their angst, I am promoting the cross-bow as the official weapon of finals week 2010.
Don’t over-exert yourself. I know that’s easier said than done when you have a grueling night of study ahead of you, but always remember that proper rest and nutrition are the cornerstones of a productive and absorbent mind. Try punctuating your study sessions with a nap, and make sure you stay well-hydrated. Get creative with your releases: punch trees and masturbate furiously while imagining that you are a wolf. Take decompression seriously — there is really nothing more valuable to your academic experience than being fully alert and energetic when test time comes.
Anticipate your finals better: Time and time again, I’ve seen slack-jawed students make their play in the last few weeks and attempt to learn from the professor everything that will be covered on the test.
Chances are if you work around these, you’ll be better off than anyone trying to single out questions so they can go memorize some relevant factoid.
In regards to my first point: don’t take your stress out on others. Just because you haven’t unwrapped your textbook doesn’t mean your little sister needs to have her shoes insulted. It will only add to your woes if your self-importance alienates those close to you and leaves you with no support. Visualize yourself as a gazelle; leaping, leaping over every obstacle. When you see other gazelles, you courteously horn-bump them and ask them how their day is going. Don’t be a dick: stress, like alcohol, makes us belligerent. It is a painful realization to have that you have been selfish, conceited and unavailable when your peeps need you the most. Don’t set yourself up for another hellish Christmas by being rude to your loved ones out of frustration.
I would advise against alcohol during this time, but hell, who would I be kidding? We should all probably knock a couple back for the next few weeks so that we can be numb enough not to feel the sting of our impending failure.
Good music soothes the soul. You surely already know that, but it’s important to remember what a benefit it can be to your sanity. Choose music that motivates you but doesn’t distract you. I’m listening to Mumbai Science for my finals week, so I could recommend that, or you could just keep listening to that tripe you call music.
I’m only joking: different strokes for different folks, I say. And that brings me to my final point: diversity.
Diversity of thought and action are the means by which you are going to survive finals week. Avoid your routine as much as possible in the coming weeks. Resist the temptation to fall back on bad habits to calm yourself, and approach your test preparation in new and more engaging ways. If you don’t usually study with people, try it. If you smoke as a means of coping with stress, try smoking an electronic cigarette so you can smoke inside as you study. Then punch yourself in the face for being such a douche bag.
I think it’s a good thing to vary your eating habits: as noted before, good nutrition goes a long way when you’re trying to study, and eating Ho-Hos will only coat your brain in grease.
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Seek out help. If there’s anything you can do to set yourself apart from the seething throngs of over-caffeinated cretins on campus, it’s to accept and value study aid from others. The good people at CAPS are an invaluable resource during finals time.
And finally, don’t try to relax. Seriously. There are a multitude of generic relaxation exercises you can do to stay above stress, but closing your eyes and breathing deep can only get you so far. You should freak out, froth at the mouth, and dive into your pile of unorganized notes headfirst, hungrily clutching and chewing on the miserable products of your labors.
My point is this: only by purging yourself of anxiety can you defeat the beast of stress, and defeat it you will, if you are true to yourself and unafraid to look hilarious while you do it. Be spontaneous. Yell, cry, do whatever you have need to cleanse yourself of worry and tension. Just don’t keep it inside. Don’t put on a reticent face on campus. I want to see kids going batshit, rather than veiling their dread. It’s for the best that you embrace your crazy side right now. Believe me.
And if your finals week is still a maddening debacle of humiliation and strife, don’t blame me. Blame the sinister omnipotence of testing and curse it’s name. Then go home, bludgeon your dorm-mates to unconsciousness and steal their fruit snacks. Then sneak off, huddle in an alley behind a Denny’s or something, and weep-laugh while you yank out to a copy of Guns and Ammo.
Or something. I wish you the best of luck.
