UNM announced a ban on gum today to coincide with the state’s increased tax on gum packs.
The previous tax, 25 cents per pack, is now 50 cents a pack to deter health-related risks associated with gum chewing and cut back on under-aged chewing, said state spokesperson Tom Snaior.
“We at the state department feel that this new tax will better this great state,” he said. “For too long, we labored under the myth that gum chewing might be healthy or at the very least not detrimental to one’s health. We now know, thanks to new studies based on sorbitol, that gum is a danger.”
New studies by Johns Hopkins indicate that sorbitol can cause mouth cancer and seizures when a regular chewer, as they are called, consumes a pack a day.
In addition to health effects, the new tax is expected to clean up the air so citizens who can’t abide scented breath will no longer have to worry.
“It’s absolutely ridiculous for a person to go to a public venue, such as UNM, and have deal with titillating scents like kiwi, strawberry, blueberry or guava,” Snaior said while showing new photos of chewers blowing a bubble with an X over their faces. “People have the right to smell the regular fresh air, even if that air might be tainted with carcinogens that chewing on sorbitol might produce.”
While the effects of second-hand chewing are still undocumented, many anti-gum groups such as Chew-No-More are quick to point out causes of second-hand gum damage.
Spokesperson Tim Leigh said the effects range from the mildly annoying to lethal.
“Just the other day, I sat around listening to a chewer munching on a piece of gum the whole bus ride home,” he said while glaring at a gum consumer blowing a bubble on a park bench. “Those blowers are the worst. When those bubbles pop, and they do too often, it causes a distraction to everyone. Not to mention those sorbitol crystals start floating around all over the place. I wear my mask anytime I see a chewer these days.”
Pro-gum chewing groups such as Chew-More insist they are doing harm only to themselves and not bothering anyone.
Spokesperson Tina Gejan said society is simply too sensitive these days.
“Yeah, I am not really sure what the problem is,” she said. “I mean, sure I do blow my bubbles in the direction of non-chewers here and then, but only because they were giving me the evil eye, you know. Plus, those studies haven’t been proven. Who really knows what gum does to you?”
The implications of gum-related damage do seem varied and mercurial depending on the source. Chew-No-More points out the countless chewers are in the hospital with gum cancer and mouth cancer who still chew gum, although some suggest that the damage may have come from the radiation poisoning from a particularly bad year in safety inspections for tap water. Leigh said this claim is weak at best.
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“I drank that water, just like everyone else, but you don’t see me with gum cancer, now do you?” Leigh said while guzzling water from a plastic bottle.
Gejan said gum damage is avoidable with regular dental care.
“I’ve been chewing since I was 15 in the girls’ bathroom to cut down on my weight for ballet. There’s not a single thing wrong with me,” she said while tonguing a growth in her mouth.
Regardless of the position of both sides, the ban will go through promising a prolonged debate between both factions. Chew-No-More and Chew-More have both promised to fight the ban. Leigh said the restriction isn’t harsh enough.
“It shouldn’t even be allowed in this country. That sort of stuff is the sort of thing Canadians condone, and if we aren’t better than Canadians we might as well stop trying now,” he said.
Gejan said non-chewers should expect an increase of public chewing.
“We’ll be chewing with our mouths open and spitting our gum on the sidewalk till this ban is repealed,” she said. “Hell, I’ll start giving out packs of Zebra stripes to children for free if it’ll make this thing go away any sooner.”
The majority of campus students said the ban would prove to be bothersome. Andrew Johnson said the ban will have similar effects to that of the tobacco, soda, loud horns, skateboards and flash mob bans before it.
“Are you serious — another one of these stupid bans went through?” he said. “That means everyone else who doesn’t care enough to get riled up has to deal with whining from both sides. I’m going to move to Canada where I don’t have to deal with this kind of stuff.”
