*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*
It’s been four days since UNM repealed its “dry campus” rules, and the Daily Bobo still can’t find a single sober person to interview.
“Issshh ‘cuz we’re all- all are celebratin!” said Petey “Taz” Radisson, a drunk student. “We’sh got to show everbody we know that’s we can, uh… party!”
New UNM President John Birks “Dizzy” Kulkarni, who instituted the “wet campus” rule, said he felt it was important to show students that personal freedom must be balanced with a keen sense of responsibility.
“Wooooooo!” he said.
A student protest against the ongoing quagmires in Iraq and Afghanistan was unusually festive Tuesday.
“You know what? I don’t, um, don’t, um,” said protest organizer Jeff “Concerned Citizen” Glbert. “I, um, party!”
Curiously, UNM campus is still considered smoke-free.
Earth Sciences Professor James “Nerd” Cooley said he was not drunk while teaching class.
“I habn’t been drankin since I wab 13 year ol,” Cooley slurred while standing pantless in front of a half-full lecture hall. “I- Well, this inter-er-view it over, I think I’m teaching class right now.”
Cooley passed out in a puddle of his own vomit approximately five minutes later, but was not rushed to the hospital because no one was sober enough to remember the number for 9-1-1.
Students in the Coronado dormitory celebrated the rules by urinating out of open windows. Resident Advisor Jimbo “Boot Camp” Laine was not angry about being accidentally peed on seven times, because, he said, “the moisture helps the heat.”
Regent Jackson “Moneybags” White, who was a staunch opponent of the “wet campus” rules, said he was completely wrong to try to keep the alcohol ban in place.
“I’m really impressed with the level of maturity the students have demonstrated here since the wet campus rules were instituted four days ago,” he said. “I have come to the understanding that this campus is populated by level-headed adults, who won’t fly off the handle or act irresponsibly just because they’re allowed to have a glass of wine with lunch at La Posada.”
White added, “But maybe I only say that because I’m two bottles of vodka in.”
Ron “Crooked Eyeballs” Jameson, proprietor of new campus bar, The Giggly Librarian, said he made more money in four days on campus than he did in 10 years of running his old bar, The Three O’clock Stumble.
“These college kids are so, so damn great!” he said. “They don’t even care when I set them on fire mixing up some flamin’ drink!”
Student Jonathan “Study Break” Kincaid said he hasn’t left the bar since it opened.
“Crooked Eyeballs be bein’ the best-est bartender ever! He’s so drunken he doesn’t remember to close the bar,” Kincaid said. “And he set me on fire! Awwwwww-some!”
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Daily Bobo reporter Richie “Scotch & Soda” Yelkin said he was tired of being left out of the fun.
“I’m sick of writing this article,” he said. “Now where’s my Smirnoff Ice?”
