*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*
In a $1.4 million study released by GPSA, the toilet paper in the administrative building is found to be the best throughout the entire University.
According to the study, the bathroom tissue is described to “hug your bottom.”
The study stemmed from University-wide departments’ complaints about instances when they’ve had to go without t.p.
For example, the English department, due to deficits in this year’s budget, has resorted to using old thesis papers. And with the abundance of books and periodicals, the University libraries are using sheets out of publications no longer in print.
Administration representatives declined to comment, but some speculate that the administration takes all of the good stuff.
Professor Eddy Chavez said every time he attends Board of Regents subcommittee meetings he’s amazed to see the new bling in Scholes Hall.
Each toilet has heated fine-grain Bauhaus leather upholstered seats.
“The toilets have heated seats and they even wipe your ass for you and thank you for making a deposit,” he said.
The toilet bowl in the back is filled with expensive French perfume and encrusted with jewels.
“It’s like a throne!” Chavez said.
A student string quartet plays in the bathroom and takes requests. The students said they get six bonus credit hours per semester for playing in the bathroom every day.
“And you don’t even have to tip them!” said UNM President David Schmidly.
Bathroom attendant William Winthrop said, between spritzing Daily Bobo reporters with sanitizer, that the stalls are filled with art from his personal collection.
“They’ve got a genuine Thomas Kinkade in the fourth stall,” Winthrop said.
