*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*
Because everyone and everything seems to gravitate toward the Duck Pond, Daily Bobo editor-in-chief Eva Avenue got to wondering what’s at the bottom.
So she suited up and went for a dive at 8 a.m. Thursday. You will not believe the treasure gathering down in the wet, stinky freeze. It’s really polluted.
She found an old TV, the Loch Ness Monster, all sorts of weird monster fish looking like they got caught in a nuclear waste tide, some dead bodies (though one looked like he was still breathing — Avenue said she kicked him in the chest and he got up out of the water), a platter of buttered bagels and spaghetti with refried beanballs, GPSA’s 15th draft of amendments from October 2009…
The Loch Ness Monster was the most shocked to see Avenue in the water, she said. The monster said it’s been a while since he’s seen the light of day, but he was glad to figure out where he was.
“I was in one of my Scotland lakes and I felt like going on a walk. So I went to my armoire to get my coat and I just fell into some parallel universe,” the monster said. “As it turns out, I’m in New Mexico.”
A mermaid, covered in a toxic film, warned Avenue not to go in the Duck Pond again because of the water quality.
“Then, I guess she felt bad for me, so she gave me the answer sheet to the Anthropology 150 final exam,” Avenue said. “If anyone has that class, you can come by the newsroom to see me about it, but don’t tell Mark Muller.”
While headed to his weekly Playwrights Anonymous meeting, student James Blessing saw her procure some of his belongings from the pond.
“I was walking by when she totally pulled out my old stolen bike!” he said. “Then she pulled out my missing homework assignments from freshmen year, mismatched socks from my argyle collection, my pink lighter and my pet turtle. Thanks, Daily Bobo!”
