So let me explain what’s happening here: Chris, the dope who usually writes columns for Friday is probably too busy checking his Facebook while spraying himself with Axe during a “Family Guy” marathon, so I am filling in for him.
My name is Brock Lightstone and when I am not at the gym running miles or sipping some 02 at the oxygen bar, I am campaigning against cigarettes. Let me tell you why. Cigarettes smell gross. They are bad for you. They are bad for other people because of the secondhand smoke. They raise health insurance premiums. And most importantly, they make you look really, really stupid. Smokers are nothing but controlled forest fires.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “But Brock, what right do you have to say these things? Isn’t smoking a choice? Aren’t the studies regarding secondhand smoke questionable, and aren’t there many studies that observed the opposite of what you’ve just said?”
Christ, people, it’s smoke. It’s black, it’s hot and it sure doesn’t belong in your lungs. The only thing that our lungs deserve is the clean air that floats amid the factories’ billowing chemical clouds. Now that I’ve told you how terrible smoking is, let’s talk about what needs to be done. UNM is off to a good start, corralling all the smokers into special spots where the nonsmokers can jeer them and where the secondhand smoke gets all intensified such that anyone walking through it immediately gets cancer. But we need better results.
Just looking at smoke will give you retinal cancer. And feeling that smoke on my skin, is giving me skin cancer. We need more drastic measures, but since we are all about personal liberties and stuff like that, let’s move the smokers underground with airtight doors so that all their filthy smoke stays on them. But then they’ll reek worse, so let’s just make sure they have to go to night classes and we, the people who choose not to defile our body with a heated stimulant relaxant, get to enjoy the benefits of daytime classes.
Now, the smokers might protest and say something like, “But Brock, we pay taxes just like everyone else. In fact, we pay more than everyone else because of the increased taxes on cigarettes. Shouldn’t we be allowed to use public facilities?”
To the wheezing smoke bags — SHUT UP! Smoking is bad for you and it smells bad and it paints your lungs black, so you don’t get a choice as far as the public is concerned. Just stop complaining because you’re destroying my health and the health of everyone around you in addition to all the poor puppies and kittens that have to breathe in your fumes — you sputtering, filthy chimney.
The UNM community is still not doing enough. With smokers gone there’s no reason for us to stop legislating laws for things we morally disapprove of. You know what else I find morally deplorable? Chewing gum! It makes annoying sticking and popping sounds. I could step on the gunk and injure myself — plus chomping on gum poses a choking hazard, so it should be outlawed too, right?
Of course, I’m right! Let’s give them the same treatment as the smokers. We’ll only allow gum chewing in specific areas so we don’t have to deal with the smacking sounds or the litter associated with those sugar chomping nut jobs. After a while, when we no longer have anybody to persecute, we’ll jack the tax up on packets of gum because if they are going to have such a filthy habit the pink-tongued fools should pay for it. Eventually, when we realize that gum smacking leads to secondhand noise damage that may result in ear cancer, we move the sugared-out smackers down into the dungeons with the smokers.
But why stop there? With this power to banish things we hate, we can get rid of anyone we disapprove of. I also hate people who eat with their mouths open. The sight of partly chewed food may lead to choking hazards for that person, the people around him and, of course, the children that might think that sort of thing’s OK. Again, let’s lock those suckers up and charge them a fine for every time their mouths droop too low while chewing.
For that matter, let’s fine bad dancers too. They might hit someone with their misplaced dance steps and flailing arms.
Don’t forget the people talking too loud on their cell phones in public venues. It’s gross that I should have to hear about how you boned your boyfriend for the first time last night.
How about making it illegal to slurp drinks unless in designated slurping areas? That sound’s so disgusting someone might blow an artery having to listen to that on a regular basis.
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With our newfound power to legislate away things that bother us — no minor annoyance or personal right stands in the way of our subjective ideas of comfort because that’s the way it works in America. If something is deemed unsavory, we just make it illegal.
Brock Lightstone knows he’s better than you and everyone else and isn’t afraid to say it. Send him an e-mail — if you dare — at Opinion@dailylobo.com
