Google might be taking over, but don't worry

Recently, Google has been having issues controlling the rogue country China, and that makes me wonder what might lie in wait for the United States.
Thus far, we have been obedient to our Google overlords. They allow us the illusion of privacy; even though they know all about your interests in cockfighting in New Mexico. It’s OK, they don’t care as long as you keep using Google and click on advertisements every now and then.

China, on the other hand, sought to control the power of Google through censorship. And while it seems that Google may have retreated, for now, to Hong Kong, the obedient Google elite knows the search engine is simply biding its time before striking China down.

I am not sure how it’ll happen. Only the almighty Google entity, with seven writhing tentacles and a pincher for a mouth, knows what fate holds.
But I can speculate.

Seeing as the Chinese have already attacked Google through the “interwebs,” I suspect the same sort of response from the Google entity. I am thinking something like a viral video reminiscent of the “The Ring” will storm China. I imagine it would contain dancing pandas talking with multi-colored dragons playing mandolins all while eating egg rolls or embracing a free-market system, but, like I said, Google has got it all under control.

But back to my point. We need to show proper deference to our Google overlords. Realistically, there’s nothing we can do to stop the Google regime. I suppose we could use another search engine, but in this age that would be about as useful as voting Libertarian. Are you really going to use Yahoo! and obtain results from some Web page made by third graders? Or maybe you could try your luck with Bing, the search engine just as successful as Microsoft’s other venture into products outside of computers — the Zune. And don’t even mention the red-headed stepchild of the search engine family, Ask Jeeves, unless you’re just looking for miles of porn interlaced with advertisements for Snuggies.

Here in Albuquerque, we have the right idea about how to deal with Google. A new initiative entitled “Googlequerque” proposes that the behemoth search engine come to the Duke City and rewire our Internet service, making it a hundred times faster according to googlequerque.blogspot.com. I don’t know about you, but that quarter of a second that I have been waiting for my Web page or song to download is definitely too damn long. Do you know what I could be doing with that time if the Web page would load a hundred times quicker? I could easily harvest all the crops on my 500-acre farm on FarmVille or finish reading the 1,000-page epic “Infinite Jest.” See, Google has only got the best of interests in mind for its loyal minions and, as long as we keep supporting it, we won’t be harmed.

And if you think about it, this really is the best way to go. Eventually, the corporations that run the government in linen closets or behind curtain drapes in Congress will get tired of hanging out in the dark and take over officially. I mean there is already a corporation, Murray Hill Inc., running for Congress thanks to the recent Supreme Court decision that set a precedent for granting corporations the same rights as individuals. There are only two corporations powerful enough to actually take over: Wal-Mart and Google. Thus, the choice is not whether we are OK with letting corporations take over, but which corporation we want to be our overlords. Wal-Mart makes a strong case for a dictatorship with a promise of always low prices and one-stop shopping.

Plus, if the commercials are any indication of what a Wal-Mart-run world would be like there should always be sunshine, upbeat music playing from speakers buried in the grass and everyone would somehow look good in Wal-Mart clothes. Yet, when you consider what it’s like to actually visit a Wal-Mart with the blinding lights and the “people” of Wal-Mart, the prospect becomes unsettling. Plus, consider the state of constant enervation and apathy exhibited by Wal-Mart employees. I think it would be better if Google took the reins instead.

Think about it: Google would make everything faster. Everything would be organized. I imagine Google engineers could probably whip up a chip that would allow for fast browsing of all of one’s thoughts and memories. Just think, you’ll never be in an awkward situation again where you have forgotten the name of someone. Instead, you can just use Google Brain Beta to search the memory cells, pull up the corresponding image and meta tag attach to it — voil à — problem solved. Plus, don’t forget how sleek and stylized the world would become if left to Google designers.

On a side note, have you ever seen the workplace for Google employees? They have slides instead of stairs! If that’s the future of our overlords then sign me up today, although Google already knows what I think.
Hail Google!