Guys, Axe makes girls want to play with your balls.
It wasn’t clear enough with the commercial of a woman writhing around underneath leather covers. Or women biting large chunks off a chocolate man’s arm because he smelled so good. Or the flash mobs of women rushing into save men from bad hair and then stroking their arms appreciatively. No, those were too subtle, but I knew it with the latest three-minute commercial of Axe salesgirls cleaning balls. So let me just say it, so you and I both know and there’s no more confusion about this. Guys, Axe makes girls want to play with your balls.
Girls, you may not know this, but it’s true. You see, what happens is the smell of Axe rattles your brain, sending you into a sort of waking coma hallucination type deal. It’s kind of like “The Matrix” but with less tubes and more goo. The rest of your day is spent leaping out off of balconies, under tables, hiding in closets or around tight corners and cubicles raping men all day long. Though we all know with men it’s not really rape, but more like surprise sex. Surprise!
OK, back to man things. When you’re getting yourself ready for your man day and applying Axe as necessary. Don’t forget that women, or as we so aptly refer to them, the pleasure machines, will only give you surprise sex if the smell of Axe on you overpowers that of all other guys. It’s kind of like male-to-male competition between elk. They fight with their antlers and whoever doesn’t get gored gets the girl, right? It’s the same thing with Axe: whoever doesn’t die of suffocation from faux pheromones reaps female rewards.
Remember, dudes, you might be missing a lot of places where you can apply the Axe scent.
How about our eyebrows? I am sure we could smooth a bit of Axe styling gel over them for added sexiness because whether or not a girl looks at you again depends on the arch of your brows. And how about on your fingernails? I suggest we make some form of a gel, or adhesive, maybe even a polish of sorts and coat our fingers with it so that women will be especially attracted to what our fingertips have to offer. And don’t forget your intestines — that whole area probably smells of digestion, when it could easily smell like Axe. My solution: Let’s add blocks of Axe deodorant to our food as a dietary supplement. It may be low in nutrition but at least now your bowel movements will smell sexy. With this much scent there’s no way someone won’t love us.
But we need to step back and consider something far graver than we could ever expect: What if the hot ones aren’t the only ones coming after us? What if those ones with the smaller breasts or smashed-in faces try to give us surprise sex?
The commercials show us that only the pretty ones will find us, but we know better. We know all the pie faces, the anorexic and the tubby ladies are looking to get after our balls. So here’s some more solution: We spray our less-attractive friends with not only Axe, but Old Spice and Tag. This should attract all manners of ugly toward them, while the real hot women will radiate toward us.
Yet, another thing troubles me. What if the gays are attracted to our bad-ass, sex-inducing smell? What do we do then? Let’s face it. Some of them are in better shape than us. If one of them should get their hands on us, well, then, that would just be wrong. That wouldn’t even be surprise sex anymore — that’d be rape, and rape’s wrong.
But you know what? Whatever! In a frenzy of Axe-y passion it wouldn’t even matter where the pleasure is coming from, just as long as it keeps coming all night long. I’ll take the uggos, the tubbos and the gay men. They’re probably crazier in the sack anyway. My new solution — we all wear brown paper bags sprayed down with Axe, use the shower gel, use the hair gel, use the deodorant and body spray and have one big Axe orgy till the sun finally dies out.
Yes, my fellow men, I knew that with enough Axe we could solve any problem.
P.S. To the online readership, this isn’t real.
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