Getting rid of Facebook complainers

Like every other sane person, I would like to burn my eyes out with hair spray every time someone updates their status with a vague combination of nouns and adjectives that might as well say, “Ugh! Look at me feeling emotions right now! Look at my emotion!” but with a thousand more exclamation marks because their feelings are just that intense.

I despise Facebook as much as the next person. I agree the thousands of fan pages for inane stuff like, “I bet I can find seven people who support giving dinosaurs the right to vote,” or “Gay marriage killed the dinosaurs” are ridiculous. I literally want to strangle myself with the mouse. Don’t forget similar groups for support of odd quirks such as, “I spend time in the shower getting the right temperature I want,” which only serves to validate a person’s need for knowing he or she is not a complete freak. And no, none of these groups are made up.

Facebook sucks, and the general populace has accepted this fact.

However, there are a select few whose entire lives are lived in on Facebook. They rise early to harvest their virtual crops, clean out their imaginary poo in fish tanks or find out which Twilight character they are bound to fall in love with.
The Facebook leeches attach themselves to the unfortunate victim. They send them a whole barrage of comments, vampire bites and mafia hits. There’s nothing wrong with these people. They are just inherently awful, and nothing can be done about it, just like the UNM e-mail system.

A greater threat is growing in the Facebook community.

There are the half leeches. They are the sort of person that’s almost on Facebook as much as the full-blown leeches, but unwilling to admit their abominable nature. And these half leeches are the worst — they love to complain about Facebook.
They are tittering with excitement on the inside because more than they love spending time on Facebook, which is pretty huge, they love having something to complain about more.

These people love complaining, and worst of all they don’t leave Facebook on the Internet. They drag it into the real world and bother unsuspecting individuals who are trying to do normal things like eat or read.

I am not one to point out problems without offering solutions. Some answers for the people complaining about Facebook are:
1) Fly to Africa, and take up the ancient craft of ostrich riding with an ancient tribe that never dismounts their ostriches and continuously wanders the Savannah fiercely guarding the craft. The would-be ostrich rider not only have to track down the riders, but also gain their trust. This process will probably take 10 or 15 years, so the Facebook complainer would be occupied for a good while. The best part of this scenario? The Facebook complainer, and now ostrich rider, cannot make a Facebook fan group because all of its members don’t have technology. 

2) Fly to the Himalayas, become a Buddhist and achieve a degree of inner peace. In doing so, the Facebook complainer will transcend the need to complain and worry about Facebook. The only thing you have to worry about at this point now is another Buddhist talking about how awesome inner peace is.

3) Join PETA, and spend all your free time throwing blood on fur coats. Frighten children with violent images of dismembered chickens in unhappy meals. Also make demands Punxsutawney Phil be freed from his weatherman servitude. The Facebook complainer will be so busy flying off to Alaska to stop the clubbing of baby seals that they wouldn’t have time to complain about Facebook. The only issue with this solution might involve the complainer talking about animal cruelty all the time, which is maybe on par with complaining about Facebook.

Notice all of these solutions involve the Facebook complainers flying somewhere, and that’s the most important thing. Removing them from your personal sphere and then occupying their time with meaningful adventure — everyone wins. Except for the people who complain about people who complain about Facebook — they’ll probably never be happy anyway.