It’s here. You can’t run from it any longer. The only way to escape at this point would be to find a cave and hide out somewhere in the Sandias, but since those are occupied by chupacabras or a deposed Martin Chavez (I can’t decide which is worse), you have to deal with it at this point. I’m talking about “V” day.
Yes, Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday for a single person. I am very aware of how annoying it is to see couples hogging all the happiness in the world, and since I can’t go around breaking up all the relationships in the world (lucky for us, though, they’ll do it themselves), I have compiled a list of foolproof coping strategies for the romantically impaired during this holiday.
Play it off like it’s no big deal: Hide your suffering on the inside where it’s not all unattractive and off-putting to potential dates. Remember, the first thing that any sane person thinks when confronted with a crying person is, “Gross. I wonder how long they are going to do that,” and then, “That’s freaking annoying.” After this thought process has been completed they will stare at you in disgust and walk away after throwing a SpongeBob Valentine’s card at your feet out of pity. You get a Valentine, but still.
The best way to hide your disgusting shame of not having a date is to pretend like you don’t care. Say things like, “Valentine’s Day is just a made-up holiday. I don’t buy into commercialism like that,” “Love’s overrated. I’d rather be fighting bears all day with my free time than celebrating companionship,” or, “I’m not celebrating Valentine’s Day this year because my dog ate my heart.”
If that doesn’t work, just punch the offending person in the face and cry into your pillow on your own time. Eventually, somebody will dig your smug charm, and if that doesn’t work, just cry into your pillow again.
Play it like it’s the biggest deal in the whole world: Throw yourself at anyone or anything who would be willing to take you out for Valentine’s Day. You must be extreme in these measures. Don’t neglect the ugly people in the back of the classrooms. Remember, a brown bag will do wonders for their complexion, and if they reek be sure to hose them down with a fire hose attached to a fire hydrant full of fine French cologne. If they prove to be the sort with “pride” and won’t let you toss a brown bag over their head, then you have to move matters into your own hands. If you can’t get yourself to ask the ugly boy or girl at the back of the classroom because of your “lack of physical attraction,” then gouge your eyes out. Take similar measures for people who smell by removing your nose with a cheese slicer. Know a person with a shrill voice? Fill your ears with cement.
If you reach a point where no human being wants to go out with you, then use an object. Parking meters, for example, are nice companions. They always welcome you by trying to get some “change.” They are solid with a body to die for and are incapable of ever leaving your side. Don’t limit yourself. There is a whole world of lonely objects looking for some loving — just consider blenders, microwaves and benches. Even books — but watch out for those paper cuts (They’re the worst!).
Consider covering yourself in fish entrails and then threatening to jump into the shark tank at the aquarium. The best part of this solution is after someone finally accepts your desperate advance so as to not have your blood on their hands, you can wash up in another fish tank, and then jaunt over to the botanical gardens to start a life based on lies and desperation. Hooray! If that doesn’t suit your fancy just choose an object and verb at random and voilà. You have your solution. For example, I chose “weed whacker” and “dancing,” so the solution would be dancing with a weed whacker in the plaza until someone rushes over and offers me a date. Really, with a bit of creativity and a complete lack of concern for your safety and that of others around you, a date will be yours in no time.
Don’t forget to say that you’ve had long established plans for the holiday weekend. This includes but isn’t limited to: “I’m getting a haircut,” “I’m getting new tile installed in my dungeon downstairs,” “I’m collecting ice samples from Antarctica this weekend,” or, “That’s the day I am raiding in ‘World of Warcraft.’” Like I said earlier, be creative, and don’t be afraid to try out the noun-verb-combo equation again. For example, let’s take our earlier words, “weed whacker” and “dancing,” and voilà, the excuse: “I have to weed whack before I can enter into the salsa competition.”
Whichever option you choose, just remember: Even if you’re alone, you’re not alone in the fact that you’re alone.
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