Disclaimer: This column is satire.
Dear UNM Administrators, Mike Locksley and message board bloggers:
Season’s greetings from your sports editor at the Daily Lobo. I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits.
It’s been a tumultuous year filled with embarrassment, angst and disappointment.
Understandably, at this point, it’s safe to assume that I’m not your favorite person to interact with.
With that said, I’d like to clear the air.
Though it seems you guys think of me as — in not so many words — a disingenuous, pot-stirring renegade, I hold you all in the highest regard.
This is an eternal cat-and-mouse game — the perpetual struggle between public relations management and journalism.
The nature of the business dictates that you must do everything possible to protect the University’s image.
Meanwhile, my job is to work for the public, to voice their concerns and to be a mediator between you and those who harshly criticize your decisions.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way this level of understanding was lost — and we became embroiled in a spat that spilled out onto the local stage.
Even individuals who had nothing to do with the Locksley situation chimed in, calling me a “subjective” reporter looking to portray the University in a “negative light.”
I must admit — that one hurt.
Still, I’m willing to get beyond this.
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And to express my gratitude to you, and to reaffirm the fact that I harbor no disdain for you, I thought it’d be a bury-the-hatchet gesture to buy you all Christmas gifts.
I put a great deal of time and thought into purchasing these items. Hopefully you will all enjoy them and put them to good use.
Regards,
Isaac Avilucea
To: Paul Krebs
’Tis the Holiday season, Paul, and it has been especially wintery outside. Seeing as you have a certain fondness for covering up, I decided it’d be fitting to get you a top-of-the-line Mink fur coat.
Trust me, it isn’t prone to leaks and will protect you from the most frigid conditions. Specially equipped with a media retardant, this coat will make you invincible to fire-starter newspapers and television stations.
Also, as a stocking stuffer, I’ll throw in a BlackBerry Curve 8500 with my number already programmed, since I’m sure you haven’t intentionally missed my calls or procrastinated about returning them.
To: Helen Gonzales
Maybe it’s just me, but I figured you couldn’t truly call yourself a big-shot investigator without a voice recorder.
This tool is essential to lowly journalists, and would probably be useful to investigators dedicated to being impartial, meticulous and accurate.
That being the case, I made sure not to be frugal.
The one I’m giving you is designed to eliminate static and creates files which can’t be tampered with, so you will have the most unfiltered, crystal-clear audio, and you will be able to recall, with unmistakable precision, what was told to you in testimonies you receive while conducting said investigations.
To: President Schmidly
It was either this or a seaside “bungle”-low for you, Helen and Paul to vacation from this media fire storm.
Since you seem fond of pithy language, I decided you’d appreciate a 12-volume encyclopedia set of inspirational quotes. It’s full of gems, and I penciled in your personal favorite: “There’s your story; there’s their story; and then there’s the truth,” as you said at the news conference Nov. 4.
I hope you will consult these books next time you’re preparing your statements to the media.
To: Shannon Garbiso
Shannon, I hope you find my gift useful.
The latest from Fellowes, the Powershred C225Ci cross-cut paper shredder is designed to be jam proof and shred up to 20 pages
at a time.
Hopefully, this will assist you in any future note-destroying endeavors and keep your desk clean of documents pertaining to important inquiries into physical altercations or other serious matters.
To: Mike Locksley
“Iron Mike,” I had to mull over what to get you. I racked my brain for hours. It’s hard to shop for a man who gets paid $750,000 and has everything. Gift cards to a slew of restaurants, boxing gloves and this Britney Spears CD with the smash single “Hit Me Baby One More Time” just didn’t seem to fit the bill.
I arranged to have you embark on an all-expenses-paid trip to watch the Fiesta Bowl on Dec. 31. As you know, this game will feature two undefeated mid-major squads, one from the Mountain West Conference — TCU. Suffice it to say, I think this could be a good learning experience for you.
To: TheRedMenace.com
For you, my friends, I submitted a personal letter of recommendation to Greg Remington, head of UNM Media Relations, suggesting he consider adding you to his legion foot soldiers. No thanks necessary.
Let’s face it: When it comes to ardent declarations of unswerving support of “Iron Mike,” you guys are professionals. It’s unfortunate that you remain Locksley’s most stalwart, unpaid public relations representatives.
It’s about time your dignified and eternal efforts to sway fan support in favor of Locksley are recognized in the public sphere and you are handsomely compensated for them.
With the pay you all receive for working closely with the Marketing Department, perhaps you could invest in a spell checker for your Web site, or outsource that job to someone who has a lot of experience in copy-editing. I’d be more than happy to recommend a few people.
