Reading all the recent reports concerning incompetence and seeming criminality in the administration, you may have noticed President David Schmidly and other administrators sound hauntingly like attorneys, politicians or government spokespeople. And indeed they do, because like these other groups, they often need to avoid speaking the truth because it might be embarrassing, yet for a variety of reasons are loathe - unlike the White House - to tell outright lies. So, a kind of coded speech is used.
Some of the code is in the form of general rules employed by dissemblers of all types, such as always using the passive tense to avoid accepting or assigning blame - "Mistakes were made." Another common mechanism is dodging potentially embarrassing questions by stating the obvious and using important sounding but meaningless words - "We are committed to moving forward in a performance-oriented environment." The College of Education is a past master of this technique.
But there is also a code that is more or less specific to academia, and I list some of the more important phrases and their translations here.
"There was an error in judgment"
- someone screwed up.
"Mistakes were made"
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- someone screwed up badly.
"It would be inappropriate for me to comment"
- someone screwed up so badly there might be legal action.
"I cannot comment on that"
- there has been criminal behavior.
"I do not recall if"
- I am guilty of.
"These statements are divisive"
- these statements hit too close to home.
"The issue must be carefully studied"
- we need time to cover our asses.
"There has been a breakdown in communications"
- someone lied through his or her teeth.
"We need to look to the future"
- we need to ignore the misdeeds of the
present.
"These are discretionary funds"
- these funds are taken from the instructional budget.
"This is a personnel matter"
- we need to circumvent the sunshine laws.
"We are committed to making UNM a first-rate institution"
- we will sacrifice everything for the basketball team and high-profile research projects.
"We recognize UNM's obligations to the
community"
- we will kiss the ass of every booster and businessman.
"So-and-so supports higher education"
- he contributes money to athletics.
"We are committed to undergraduate
education"
- we need your money to pay for research and graduate programs.
"We are committed to diversity on campus"
- we are afraid of lawsuits and loss of federal funds if our quotas are not met.
"I am retiring in order to explore other options and/or spend more time with my family"
- they fired my ass.
"I am anxious to get back into the classroom"
- they fired my ass, and I can't find any
other work.
"I was attracted to the unique multicultural environment of New Mexico"
- I couldn't find a job anywhere else.
"Every administrator should teach at some time"
- we need to be reminded why it is better to be an administrator.
"We are restructuring the such-and-such
office"
- we need to give some crony an unethical raise.
"So-and-so brings great experience to the Board of Regents"
- he's clueless about the university but brings important business contacts.
"We support the faculty's free speech"
- we can't fire the bastards without ending up
in court.
"That basketball player was just letting off a little steam"
- he did things other students would be
arrested for.
"Professor so-and-so is unprofessional"
- he criticizes the university.
And to be fair, faculty also have a code:
"His research is solid"
- he has never had an original thought.
"His research is seminal"
- he finally had an original thought.
"His dossier is impressive"
- his teaching is terrible.
"He is committed to students"
- his research is terrible.
"He participates fully in the department and is a good colleague"
- his teaching and research are terrible.
Richard M. Berthold is a retired professor of classical history at UNM. He is the author of Rhodes in the Hellenistic Age.
