by John Bear
Daily Lobo
In what is surely a sign of the apocalypse, Alternative Tentacles has released a Christian punk album by a band called Knights of the New Crusade.
If you don't know Alternative Tentacles, it's the record label headed by Jello Biafra, former front man for Dead Kennedys, the punk band responsible for the classic punk rock EP In God We Trust, Inc., featuring "Moral Majority" and "Religious Vomit," two tirades against organized religion and religion in general, respectively.
It seems strange and highly suspect that the man who was once arrested for an album cover would be releasing Christian music on his decidedly not-too-happy-with-religion record label.
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I think it's a joke.
Really, this has to be a joke.
But if it is indeed an exercise in abject sarcasm, it is conducted in a manner so deadpan that the humor will be lost to most people.
The album, A Challenge to the Cowards of Christendom, seems to be an attack against individuals who use Christianity for selfish ends or fail to literally interpret the Bible. The song "Father Bingo" criticizes in-house gambling games at churches, calling the practice blasphemous. "What Part of 'Thou Shalt Not Kill' Don't You Understand?" finds the band complaining that many Christians, for one, don't follow the very literal fifth commandment, and fail to understand the difference between spiritual and corporeal warfare.
In particular, the band rails against the Christian music industry, chastising it for the influx of pop music that espouses Christian ideals without specifically getting gospel with it. The track "Cowards of Christendom" features band members arguing with members of more mainstream Christian bands who tell the Crusaders they will never get major label interest with such openly religious lyrics.
"Protocols of the Learned Elders of Christendom," another skit, listens in on a group of board of director types discussing how to slide Christian dogma into their products without offending anyone. This is somewhat timely as movies like "The Chronicles of Narnia" tell the Jesus story but use cute talking lions instead of just coming out and saying it.
The packaging of the CD takes the joke a step further. The liner notes on the back feature those "Have you found Jesus?" type pamphlets one finds on the floor of a drunk tank while crushing invisible bugs. This makes the album look like extreme but legitimate Christian rock fare, that is, until one sees the evil bat Alternative Tentacles logo plastered near the bottom. Then the whole process of discerning whether this is a joke begins anew.
Each of the album's 13 tracks is accompanied with specific biblical passages that apparently explain the logic behind the lyrics. I picked up a Bible, and being an unclipped and undipped heathen, I was surprised to see how much the Bible contradicts itself. The whole thing is kind of like buying someone a Big Mac and then punching him or her in the stomach, then saying "I love you." I always knew the text frowned upon gays, but I never knew it isn't too crazy about lesbians either, as was made apparent by the track "Lipstick Lesbian." Too bad.
Musically, the album is unimpressive, three chord punk sludge reminiscent of a poorly recorded Dead Kennedys' bootleg. But for some reason, I kind of miss this side of punk. It has gotten too polished for my taste.
Normally, I try to shy away from material that makes fun of other people's religions. After all, everyone is entitled to his or her beliefs. On the other hand, we are living in a time when a picture of a prophet will send throngs of angry worshippers into the streets and our own president stands on the deck of an aircraft carrier and talks about the prophet Isaiah. Maybe we need to be keeping the jokes coming.
A Challenge To The Cowards of Christendom
Knights of the New Crusade
Grade: A
