by John Bear
Daily Lobo
I have spent the majority of my time here at our lovely - and reasonably priced - University hating on all of those who drive the Herculean transports collectively known as Sport Utility Vehicles.
My name is John Bear, and I am a recovering hippie.
I realized the error of my ways the other day as I was thumbing through the greatest story ever told - no, not Lolita, the other greatest story ever told - I arrived at one passage, Ezekiel 1:15-16 - "Now as I beheld the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the Earth by the living creatures, with his four faces. The appearance of the wheels and their work was like unto the color of a beryl: and they four had one likeness: and their appearance and their work was as it were a wheel in the middle of a wheel."
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
A drunken ex-convict first showed me these words, but I failed to take him seriously. Silly me. My deepest and most sincere apologies.
Anyway, the prophet Ezekiel was obviously the first person to bear witness to the beautiful fancy rims on any SUV, praise be unto him. It is amazing that thousands of years before the glorious United States came into being a family of four rolled in sublime comfort through the desert in the most holy of conveyances - the H2.
Now I want one.
I want one, because I am an American and fundamentally deserve one. We Americans are large mammals. We gorge ourselves on big meals and need big vehicles to drive us to the next all-you-can-eat buffet. It only makes sense that I buy the biggest gas-guzzling beast on four wheels I can find.
But I am going to start off small with a Ford Explorer. I am not going to drive it, but jam it in the back of my H2 for use as an escape pod in the event of a cataclysmic disaster.
My H2 shall be a force to be reckoned with, and quite the looker - all gold rims 23 inches across and dashboard televisions so I may watch the infallible Fox News Channel while I mow down patchouli-drenched heathens. My halogen headlights will scorch the eyes of the nonbelievers. I will park behind noodle heads in hybrid cars and flick the high beams on and off while I scream, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," through my public address system.
Most importantly, my H2 will be fully self-aware, capable of defending itself with proficient lethality against any left-wing wackos wishing to do it harm. Be afraid, Earth Liberation Front. Be very afraid.
I have changed a few of my political views to fit in with my new choice of transportation.
One, I am now rabidly in favor of the Iraq war. Sure, naysayers abound. They will tell you that we are brutalizing Arabs to secure oil to run our monster machines. Yes, we are. Is it our fault all those Arabs built their homes on top of our fuel? They should have thought of that.
Two, I am no longer pro-abortion. We need those unwanted babies to fight the Venezuelans when the Iraq oil runs out sometime next year. Yes, Venezuela has large oil reserves but lacks any desire to share them with us, at least at the low prices we Americans have come to demand. A pox on them for their selfishness.
Finally, George W. Bush is a great man. Enough said.
As far as all the so-called environmental damage is concerned, don't worry. Jesus is coming back soon. So ask yourself - what would Jesus drive? He sure as hell wouldn't drive any hippie hybrid, and he surely won't be pleased when he sees the infidels blaspheming around town in them. So save up and get that SUV, lest you be tossed into a lake of fire, sinner.
