by Phil Parker
Daily Lobo
Let's take a look back at the draft history of the ooey-gooey Cleveland Brownies, the perpetual team du jour in the mind of this slap-happy sportswriter.
1999 - The team is back! And with its first pick, the reincarnated Browns select Tim Couch, who will go on to throw more interceptions than touchdowns, sit out the team's lone run to the playoffs, cry about justifiable boos from the fans, then be dumped and completely out of the league by 2004.
Dante Culpepper was picked shortly afterward.
2000 - Courtney Brown. What a brilliant career this man would have had if not for myriad injuries. That's what we can gauge, supposedly, from the three - three! - brilliant games he had over four years in Cleveland. LaVar Arrington, Jamal Lewis and Brian Urlacher were all selected over the next 10 picks.
2001 - Gerard Warren. My favorite. Everyone thought the Browns were set to nab LaDainian Tomlinson. Then their diabolical brain-trust threw the entire league a curveball when it took Warren instead, despite never professing any interest. The defensive lineman spent all his time crapping the Browns bed before being shipped out this year.
(Warning: Blood pressure approaching critical levels.)
2002 - William Green. A great second half by the running back propels the Browns into the playoffs. Then he's caught driving drunk with no shirt and one sock on. There's weed in his car, so he's suspended for four games. Then during the suspension, he's stabbed in the back, literally, by his girlfriend. I'm just sad she beat me to it.
2003 - Jeff Faine. Wait. This guy's actually pretty good. In fact, compared to their other first rounders, he's Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky all rolled into one. Hooray!
2004 - The Savior, Kellen Winslow Jr. No way this could be a screw-up ... until he broke his leg and sat out his rookie year. Start saving in 2005, Kellen. We need it.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
So now the Browns are almost on the clock again, with the third overall pick. They need everything, at every position but center - Jeff Faine is the new Jesus!
What they'll probably do is draft Aaron Rodgers, because he looks like the biggest potential bust at this point.
What they should do is take Alex Smith, but Sports Illustrated's Peter King, the best football writer in the world, says Smith is sure to go No. 1.
Disaster looms.
I'd like to get down for the record what I think the team should do, so when this year's chuckleheaded front office is inevitably canned for ineptitude, I can apply for the open general manager position and flaunt my brilliant 2005 draft strategy.
First, take Carnell "Cadillac" Williams with the third pick. I think he pans out as the best choice. He's big and strong and shifty, and he just looks like a player. Benson and Brown might be rated a bit better, but they don't have the same stop-and-go type of game that's exciting and effective.
They have Lee Suggs, who looks decent, but - sing along now - I want a friggin' franchise back/I want Cadillac.
Now here's the rub. The Brownies must do whatever it takes to land Jason Campbell with their next pick.
They're sitting at nasty No. 34, but I say swap that pick and another later on to get into the bottom of the first round and nab Campbell, who's all set to be the forgotten man, just like last year's best rookie, Ben Roethlisberger.
Do as I say, and the Browns are the big winners this year.
Let's sit back and watch them blow it.
