by Richard "Bugman" Fagerlund
Daily Lobo Columnist
The Physical Plant Department is in the process of re-seeding Johnson Field on the east side of Johnson Gym.
One of the requirements mandated by a federal bureaucracy dictated that we do an environmental impact report on the area being re-seeded so we don't negatively impact any endangered species or archaeological sites. Several weeks ago, at 7 a.m., I was walking around Johnson Field with a clipboard looking for spotted owls and other endangered species and any archaeological sites that may have popped up since the last soccer game.
I am not making this up. I have no problem with the Endangered Species Act and, in fact, I think it is a very good thing, with a few exceptions. But the government's desire to enforce every law equally, without using any common sense, is ludicrous. I have no problem with requiring environmental impact reports when undisturbed natural land areas are being used, but for anyone to think that endangered species are living on Johnson Field or an ancient Native American village may be hiding there is ridiculous.
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All I found on Johnson Field was three species of grass, four species of weeds, a couple of pine trees and a mouse running around. I duly listed all of these organisms in my report.
This is not the only example of government nonsense. When I was in grade school in the '50s, we were told that in the case of a nuclear bomb attack we were supposed to hide under our desks! It seemed like a good idea to a 7 or 8 year old, but looking back at it, I think the government could have come up with something a bit more substantive. I was wrong.
Recently, we were told, as adults, that we needed to go out and by duct tape in case of a biological or chemical attack. Maybe we should hide under our desks as well. I am not sure which government edict is the silliest.
If you have any duct tape left over from the government proclamation, then you can use it to control bugs. Put some duct tape on the floor, sticky side up, and any crickets or oriental roaches in the area will be attracted to it and get stuck. If you have drain flies coming up a floor drain, you can put duct tape over the drain and the flies will get stuck to it. If you have silverfish, you can wrap a baby food bottle in duct tape, put an inch of flour in it and any silverfish in the area will climb the side of the bottle and fall in trying to get to the flour.
You can put duct tape along your windows to keep clover mites and springtails out (although I doubt if will keep out terrorists). Duct tape is obviously very attractive to crickets, flies, cockroaches and some bureaucrats in the Bush administration.
Another silly government project is the color-coded terrorist system put in place by the head of Homeland Security. I can't remember all the stupid colors but they recently upgraded our terrorist warning (pink to purple?) because some captive terrorist said we would be attacked.
After the warning they gave the terrorist a polygraph test and came to the conclusion he was just kidding, there was no imminent attack.
Naturally we changed colors again. You would think they would give the polygraphs first before raising the new colored flag and sending us out to hardware stores to buy duct tape.
Vacuity isn't limited to the federal government. We have plenty of it right here in our state. According to a recent article in the Albuquerque Journal, Danice Picraux, a leading Democrat in the New Mexico House of Representatives said, "I'd love to outlaw cockfighting, but would that really outlaw it?" What? Using that logic, maybe we should repeal the laws against murder, rape, child abuse and drunken driving. After all, those activities are still going on in New Mexico and why have a law if we do it anyway?
I would suggest to Ms. Picraux, that if we have a law against cockfighting and they do it anyway, then we could prosecute them. Duh.
Dumb statements aren't restricted to politicians either. When I wrote my anti-cockfighting column in the Lobo a few weeks ago, I got a ton of mail from the cockfighting crowd justifying their "sport". One fellow told me cockfighting keeps families together. Maybe the Manson family, but I doubt any other family would be united by a bloodthirsty activity such as cockfighting. Another fellow told me they invented chickens 2,000 years ago so they could fight. So much for the theory of evolution, I guess.
And finally someone wrote and told me that since New Yorkers could fight blacks, and he mentioned Muhammed Ali and Mike Tyson, he should be allowed to fight his chickens. This was a real letter.
I love the letters these folks send me. Most of them will end up in a book I am doing on the subject. It will put a bright side on a despicably cruel subject. The best part is this column will end up on their Web sites like the last one and they will write me again, which will mean additional material for my book.
Finally, when President Bush comes on TV and says we are finally safe and we can all rest peacefully, then I will get worried and I will go out and buy some duct tape.
