You may have noticed that in their public pronouncements, University administrators frequently sound like politicians, attorneys or government spokesmen. Indeed they do, because like these other groups they often need to avoid speaking the truth because it might be embarrassing. They are, however, generally loath simply to lie, so instead a sort of coded speech is used.
Some of this code comes in the form of general rules, such as always using the passive tense to avoid accepting or assigning blame - "mistakes were made" - and dodging questions by stating the obvious and using important sounding, but meaningless words - "committed to moving forward in a performance-oriented environment."
But there also is code that is more or less specific to academe, and in order that you might better understand what is really being said, I list a number of these phrases with their translations.
"There was an error in judgment." - Someone screwed up.
"Mistakes were made." - Someone screwed up badly.
"It would be inappropriate for me to comment." - Someone screwed up so badly there might be legal action.
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"I cannot comment." - There has been criminal behavior.
"We are committed to diversity on campus." - We're afraid of lawsuits and loss of federal funds if we don't maintain certain ethnic quotas.
"We are committed to undergraduate education." - We need your money to support research and graduate programs.
"We are committed to making UNM a first rate institution." - We will sacrifice everything for high profile research projects and the basketball team.
"We recognize UNM's obligations to the community." - We'll kiss the ass of every booster and businessman.
"So-and-so supports higher education." - He contributes money to athletics.
"We are pleased with the appointment of so-and-so to the Board or Regents." - We have no control over the governor's uninformed appointments.
"So-and-so brings great experience to the Board of Regents." - He's clueless about the nature of the University but brings important business contacts.
"We are monitoring (or keeping an eye on or forming a committee to study) the situation." - We are doing nothing.
"I will not take a pay raise higher than that given the faculty and staff." - 3 percent of $200,000 is still better than 3 percent of $45,000.
"The dean is retiring." - We fired his ass.
"I am retiring to explore other options (or spend more time with my family)." - They fired my ass.
"I am anxious to get back into the classroom." - They fired my ass and I can't find any other work.
"I was attracted to the unique multicultural environment of New Mexico." - I couldn't get a job anywhere else.
"This is a personnel matter." - We need to circumvent the sunshine laws.
"We support the faculty's right of free speech." - We can't fire the bastards without ending up in court.
"Professor so-and-so's behavior is unprofessional." - He speaks unpleasant truths and doesn't use the code.
"We are restructuring the such-and-such office." - We need to give some crony an unethical raise.
"It would be inappropriate for me to say (or do) such-and-such." - I can't even think of a bogus reason for refusing.
And inasmuch as they are like administrators (but actually have some skill) coaches also use the code.
"My player was just letting off a little steam." - He did things other students would be arrested for.
"He has a confidential medical condition." - He's irresponsible and immature.
"He is working on improving his grades." - He's failing all his courses.
To be fair, I must also point out that faculty frequently use the code.
"His research is solid." - He's never had an original thought.
"His work is seminal." - He had an original thought.
"His dossier (or publication record or service) is impressive." - He's terrible in the classroom.
"He is committed to students." - His research is terrible.
"He is attending an important conference." - He's seizing the opportunity to dine in another city.
Finally, I normally have nothing good to say about the major parties, but hats off to the College Republicans for their affirmative action bake sale. They got it exactly right.
by Richard M. Berthold
Daily Lobo Columnist
