Nothing warms the depths my heart like hearing about a new candidate for the Darwin Awards.
For those of you who are unaware, the Darwin Awards are an annual prize given to the individuals who contribute significantly to the human race by removing themselves from the gene pool by way of their own self-evident death.
I, for one, have been of the opinion that we humans are our own worst enemies. We keep creating technologies that help people survive who ought not.
For example, a kid who puts an M-80 firecracker between his butt cheeks and lights it is far more apt to survive today than he was 50 years ago. In fact, back in the day, kids who were so stupid that they believed that walking off a cliff like Bugs Bunny would result in their folding into an accordion on impact and could simply be stretched out and re-inflated instantly weeded out of the gene pool with extreme prejudice.
Today such stupidity is greeted with a trip to the emergency room, several hours of miracle surgery and a short recovery. This is then followed by a trip to NBC's "Today Show" where the vapid Katie Couric asks the parents of the wunderkind how they felt when little Timmy jumped off of the roof of their home and onto a flaming pile of tires.
Soon the kid is selling his story to Ted Turner and Bantam Press for an undisclosed sum and appearing on the book lecture circuit next to such literary giants as Shaquille O'Neal and Monica Lewinsky. But I digress...
This morning I was spoon-fed the news that some dumb kid in the Midwest was in the hospital with severe burns because he had replicated a stunt he and his friend saw on the MTV series "Jackass."
If you haven't seen "Jackass," please do. That show has got to be one indicator of the fall of Western civilization, and you ought to see it coming. On this show, the star (actually more than one jackass appears on the show) does stunts which are patently the apex of stupidity.
For example, last week a guy put on a swim cap and some goggles then got into a port-a-potty.
The "poo-in-a-box" was turned upside down by a trash truck, then righted and the jackass emerged drenched in urine and poo. He proceeded to chase people about, threatening to hug them.
In another segment, a man in a flameproof suit covered with prime grade-A steaks laid himself on a giant barbecue to be cooked. This is where the story of our Midwestern boys picks up.
These rambunctious scamps decided that they, too, longed for the tasty victuals only obtainable by way of the open flame. So a 14-year-old boy strapped some meat to the chest of his 13-year-old pal, who gleefully anticipated the feast to come.
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In a burst of intelligence rarely seen these days, the boys decided that a perfect medium-rare sizzle could be obtained by flash-heating the meat, and we all know what that requires - gasoline. So match kid doused meat boy with several gallons of super-octane fuel and set him on fire.
As is typical of such scenarios, meat boy panicked and that's when the whole plan probably fell apart. He started running around in terror, screaming and, in all likelihood, flapping like a flaming chicken. This had the effect of causing all of the flames to blow toward his back and head. The boy, in a moment of clarity, did stop, drop and roll, thereby extinguishing the flames and, in the process, ruined two very nice yet undercooked steaks. The boy, however, was a perfect medium-well.
Doctors managed to save meat boy. This makes him ineligible for a Darwin Award outright, because it only helps the rest of us out if you kill yourself with your stupidity.
He does qualify, however, for an honorable mention. His friend has been charged with a felony, which seems sort of unfair.
MTV has stated, just as they did when some dumb kids imitated "Beavis and Butthead," that their shows are peppered with warnings and are not to be emulated. The unfortunate aspect is that kids this dumb are likely to, some day, get a chance to spread their idiotic seeds. They are probably also going to parlay the experience into millions of dollars, thus being rewarded for their stupidity by Madison Avenue.
First Katie Couric, then a book deal, then commercials for Texaco and A-1 steak sauce... Where's the justice?
Questions? Comments? Outraged denunciations? Write to Brad at physhead@hotmail.com.
